Mocha Dimensional
by Startix-Master of the NoLess
Summary: This is the tale of the epic power couple that is Finn and Marshall Lee, as they juggle things like their new daughter, bodyswapping and thunder demons in this wacktastic slice-of-life. Occasional mature themes. *Update. I'm not dead, just a procrastinator.*
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer**

Adventure Time isn't mine, just these insane little stories.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** I'd like to dedicate this series to a few good people.

**KokoDee**, whom I've named the series after (look close enough, you'll see it) and whose awesome Adventure Time fics inspired me to create the original eight that lead to this crack travesty~ X3

**Bigslayerguyman**, whom I think is the biggest supporter of my Adventure Time stuff and a really nice dude, who convinced me to make this into a sort-of series~

And special mention to a few others, such as **ZeRo, jeffreestarluvr** and **heyshaulls,** who are totes awesome~

Seriously, dudes/dudettes, you rule~

Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to clear up some things that may make people confused, since my original eight were kinda all over the place timeline-wise.

-Finn and Lee are still married with a kid. Yeah, like I'd just plot bunny THAT away. X3

-There's Bubblegum/Marceline within, but as of now, it's 'sort of' one-sided on Marceline's part. Dunno where I'm gonna go with that, if anywhere.

-While I refer to the setting Land of Ooo, the residents of Aaa are, obviously, included. Bubblegum and Gumball sort of share the Candy Kingdom, Finn and Fionna have their own equally awesome treehouses, but there are two separate Ice Kingdom's, with the one I'll be using a lot being the Ice Queen's. 'Cuz she's SO BOSS.

-Since Gwynn is my first OC for this story, more may follow. I know for a fact that there's gonna be a few more, but you'll have to be good little peeps and wait. ;)

And other technical stuff that I'm sure you're all smart enough to figure out on your own as the story progresses. Keep in mind I've got no set deadline for this thing, but as it's a slice-of-life, there's no technical end! Yay! Now on with the show~! ^.^


	2. A nICE Night on the Town

**Dislcaimer**

Adventure Time belongs to the ultimate supreme entity of epic that is Pendleton Ward and his amazing staff.

Not me.

But the two little lullabies that appear ARE mine. How, I don't know; I never sleep.

* * *

><p>"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"<p>

Marshall Lee the Vampire King groaned in annoyance and threw the covers off of himself, floating up out of bed and leaving Finn to peacefully suck his thumb in blissful sleep.

Lucky bastard.

The source of the ungodly wail that woke up the immortal was none other than their daughter, Gwynn.

Now, Marshall loved Gwynn. She was his beautiful, adorable, soft, squishy daughter who he treasured with all his heart.

But she was barely two months old and already driving him crazy.

Lee floated into the little wing of the treehouse that served as her room, the moonlight illuminating it quite nicely. Gwynn cried in her crib, thrashing and screaming, as though she were in the midst of a terrible nightmare. Taking a deep breath, Lee scooped her up and began gently rocking her back and forth.

"_The moon's in the sky..._" he sang. "_The day's said goodbye. So dry your tears...no need to cry._"

Gwynn stared up at her father, shining red eyes still wet with tears, but cries dulling at his smooth, silky voice.

"_'Cuz no one knows, Gwynn, what tomorrow'll bring. And until tomorrow comes, I'll float here, and sing._"

In no time at all, Gwynn was asleep again, sucking her thumb in the exact same manner as Finn. Sighing, Lee nestled her back in her crib, floating silently out of her room.

* * *

><p><em>The following morning...<em>

* * *

><p>Marshall Lee poured himself a bowl of cornflakes, drowning it with strawberry milk. Grabbing a spoon, he wolfed it down, as though he was castaway that had returned home after many years.<p>

"'Sup, dude?" said Finn as he bounded into the kitchen, whistling a happy tune and grabbing a bag of sliced bread.

That was one of the many things the vampire loved about Finn. He had come to terms with his sexuality, fallen in love with a 1000+ year old vampire with loose morals, gotten married, fathered a child, for gob's sakes, but had still remained the same goofy Finn he always was. He was is own dude, and the brunette took great solace in that fact.

"Can' ta'." mumbled Lee through a mouthful of cornflakes. "Mus' ea'."

Finn chuckled and popped two slices of bread into the toaster, pressing the lever down. "Heard you last night, by the way."

Lee spat out his breakfast, almost choking as Finn leaned against the counter with a smug look on his face. Faster than Finn could even breathe, Lee had zoomed over to Finn and grabbed him by his collar, hoisting him up.

"You didn't hear a THING." hissed the vampire, his long, forked tongue darting out between his fangs.

Finn, undaunted by Lee's threat, shrugged. "I dunno why yore getting so huffy. You've got a great singing voice. And Gwynn thinks so, too."

Pouting, Lee let Finn drop back down to the floor, slumping down to the ground in exhaustion.

"What's wrong, Marshall?" asked the hero, putting an arm around the brunette.

"It's just...I love Gwynn, y'know?" replied the vampire. "But since she was born...we haven't had a moment's peace. She cries...ALL...THE...TIME."

Finn blinked. "Dude, she's a baby."

"I know, I know..." whined Lee. "But...I miss all the stuff we used to do before we got her. We'd lie awake at night, listing the things we liked about each other...we'd go out to dinner every once in a while...I'd spike your drink and do things to you while you were unconscious..."

"WHAT?"

"The point is," continued Lee, waving away Finn's exclamation. "We never have US time anymore. Just once I'd like to have one night where we could do all the things we did when we were first dating, y'know?"

The vampire sighed and slumped against the counter as the toaster shot out Finn's toast. Taking it, the hero began spreading butter and raspberry jam on it, brows furrowed in thought.

After a few minutes of silence, he spoke.

"Why don't we just get a babysitter?"

Marshall Lee whirled his head around to look up at Finn, who backed away from the crazed look in his red eyes.

"See, Finn, THIS is why I love you."

* * *

><p>"So," said Finn, piece of paper clenched in his hand and pencil in the other as he sat on the sofa. "Who are our options?"<p>

Lee tapped his chin as he floated upside-down. "Hmm...Jake?"

"Nah, that won't work."

"Oh, right; she keeps trying to eat him."

"Cake?"

"Same problem."

"Marceline?"

"I do NOT want Gwynn hanging around that wannabe punk rocker." hissed Lee, making Finn snicker.

"Okay, okay...Fionna?"

Lee stared. "Are you serious?"

"What?" replied Finn.

"Do you not remember what happened the last time we left Fionna and Gwynn together?"

* * *

><p><em>"Maloso vobiscum et cum spirit-"<em>

_SMACK! "WHAT THE CRUMB ARE YOU DOING?"_

_Fionna whimpered and rubbed the spot on her head where Lee slapped her, letting her crystal sword fall to the ground. From within the center of a PHIL FACE laughed Gwynn, clapping her hands in delight at the sight before her, oblivious to the danger that nearly befell her._

_"You were trying to banish my daughter to the NIGHTOSPHERE?" seethed Lee, his eyes going dangerously read._

_"She BIT me!" sniffled Fionna, holding up her hand. Two large circles were on the side, one still leaking blood. "I could turn into a vampire!"_

_"I'LL turn you into a vampire right now! Get over here!"_

_"EEK!"_

* * *

><p>Finn shuddered. "Point taken. Princess Bubblegum?"<p>

"Hm...she seems like a good choice." But then a thought struck him. "Wait, isn't Lemongrab doing his quarterly inspection today?"

"Dang...wait, what about Prince Gumball?"

"I think we'll run into a similar problem; Limesnag's in town, too."

Finn sighed and flopped back on the sofa. "We're running out of options, dude..."

"...What about Marceline's dad?"

"I'm pretty sure he'll try to nom her."

"So my mom's out, I guess?"

The duo sighed as they listed off all the possible people who could babysit their little undead daughter. They were about to give up when a thought crossed Finn's mind.

And based on this thought alone, the blonde wondered if he was finally going insane.

* * *

><p>Marshall Lee floated behind Finn as the hero dialed into his phone, a sour look on his sickly green face. "Finn, you've lost your mind."<p>

"I know." He placed the phone to his ear as it began ringing.

"I mean, of all the people to ask...there's gotta be someone else."

"There's no one else." _Ring, ring._

Lee's nonexistent heart fluttered. Maybe it would go to voicemail...

_Click._ "Hello?"

_FUCK._

"Uh, hey there." said Finn nervously, twirling the phone cord. "I-it's Finn."

The voice on the other end cackled, a sound that was both alluring and spine-chilling. "Finn! One of my two favorite blondes! To what do I owe the pleasure? Called to finally tell me you dumped Marshall and realized you couldn't let a catch like me go?"

Lee ground his teeth as his sensitive ears picked up the speaker's words, inadvertently setting the ceiling on fire.

Holding back bile, Finn continued. "Um, no. You see, Marshall and I were th-thinking of going out tonight a-a-and, we need a babysitter..."

"A BABYSITTER?" screeched the voice, its sheer volume putting out the spreading flames on the ceiling. "THAT'S WHY YOU CALLED?"

Having had enough, Lee zoomed over and snatched the phone out of Finn's hand, readying his 'Vampire Game Face.'

"Listen here, you wannabe-royal psycho." hissed the brunette. "We've tried literally EVERYBODY else and trust me when I say you're the LAST person we wanted to do this. Seriously, the LICH is before you."

"Why, you-"

"SHUT IT! Now listen here; you don't like me, and I don't like you. But you DO like Finn. And if you do this favor for us, he'll make it worth your while."

Off to the side, Finn gave Lee an incredulous look and mouthed 'I _will_?'

"So? Whaddya say?"

A few tense moments of silence as Lee floated, awaiting the speaker's response.

"Okay. Deal."

"Fantastic." said Lee smugly as Finn gaped in horror. "We'll be there at around 6pm."

"See you then. And tell Finn I'm looking forward to it, heh, heh, heh..."

Snarling in disgust, Lee slammed down the phone, hard enough to shatter the little table it was on. The vampire then felt a tug on his arm and turned around to look at a terrified Finn.

"Marshall, I'm scared."

The vampire pulled his wife into a loving embrace as a maddening chill enveloped them both.

"I know, babe. I know."

* * *

><p>Several hours later, after all the preparations and other junk were taken care of, the trio of Marshall Lee the Vampire King, Finn the human and Gwynn the...vampirette headed west, to their babysitter's home.<p>

"I still can't believe we're doing this." hissed Lee as he flew the two, his eyes eyes narrowed into slits.

Finn held onto Gwynn tightly, the baby busying herself by playing with the collar of Lee's shirt. "I can't either. Especially what you said I have to do. You realize I gotta kill you later, right?"

Lee nodded as the weather turned from a clear, twilit evening to a dark blue, starry night. Snowflakes slowly started falling around them as they passed dozens of snow-capped mountains.

They made their way further into the Ice Kingdom, finally reading one large mountain in particular with an impressive, ornate wooden door in the side of it. "Well, we're here." grumbled Lee as he dove low. Pulling up at the last second, he landed expertly on the ground, Finn hopping off of him.

"Ready for this?" Finn said, holding onto Gwynn tightly and taking Marshall Lee's hand.

The immortal nodded and took Finn's hand into his own. "As I'll ever be."

Slowly, Marshall Lee raised his hand and knocked on the door, once, twice, three times.

As if on cue, the door whooshed open, revealing a tall, imposing, blue figure that struck fear into the hearts of men...and some women.

"Took you long enough to get here, boys!" cackled the Ice Queen, beckoning the trio in.

* * *

><p>Lee and Finn gingerly made their way into the Ice Queen's home, eyes constantly darting too and fro.<p>

"So..." Finn said, trying to break the awkward silence. "I...like what you've done with the place."

The Ice Queen had done some interior designing the last time the hero had visited. Yeah, the majority of the place was still a giant walk-in freezer, but it still maintained a sense of elegance, along with a subtle but present lady's touch.

"Hey, what's that?" Finn asked, pointing at a large, blue ball nestled in a holder next to the TV.

"My exercise ball." replied the smirking ice witch, patting the front of her dress. "Gotta stay in shape, y'know!"

For about half a second, the image of the Ice Queen working out using the exercise ball passed through Finn's mind and he had to resist the urge to throw up.

After a few minutes of walking, they made it to her room. Finn blushed, knowing it had been a long time since he had been in a girl's room. The Ice Queen may have been dangerous and moderately psychotic, but she was still female, as he was painfully reminded of by the sight of all the bras and panties strewn about the room like streamers.

"Ever thought about getting a maid?" smirked Lee, floating to avoid the piles of dirty laundry. Ice Queen simply turned back and made a face at the vampire.

"I don't need a maid; I've got Gina."

"Riiiiiiiiiiiight...and where is Gina?"

"Vacation." Ice Queen replied dismissively. "So, lemme take a look at the little demon."

"Vampire." Lee immediately corrected, narrowing his eyes.

Finn held out Gwynn, whom the Ice Queen carefully took. She looked over the baby vampiress, from under, from over and from every side. "Kinda tiny, ain't she?"

"She's a baby." Lee said matter-of-factly.

Sensing the tension, Finn rushed up to the Ice Queen with a small sheet of paper. "So, here's a list of things your need to know about Gwynn. Remember, she needs to feed every two hours, and if you don't have any milk, red stuff'll do fine. She likes to be sung to sleep, and-"

"Oh, would you relax?" snapped the queen, stowing the paper in her dress pocket. "She might be a vampire, but I know how to take care of kids."

"Sure you do." said Lee, crossing his arms. "Despite having none of your own."

"What?" smirked Ice Queen, slowly moving had hands down her hips. "And ruin this perfect figure?"

"Dear gob, I think I'm gonna hurl."

* * *

><p>After much reassuring that everything would be fine, that Finn and Lee wouldn't come back to a Gwynn-sicle and that the vampirette would be completely and totally 100% safe, the pair was finally getting the night out they've wanted for so long. And so, after several tearful, heartfelt goodbyes and death threats against one smarmy ice witch, the two flew off into the distance, the Ice Queen waving goodbye and blowing kisses at a terrified Finn.<p>

Now, a few things you should know in regards to Ice Queen and child-rearing. While she had no children of her own whatsoever, she DID tend to several dozen penguins.

But a baby vampire...well, that'd be a challenge.

Although...this DID temporarily classify her as a MILF.

In a technical sense.

"So..." pondered the Ice Queen, cradling Gwynn in one hand and the duffel bag full of baby items in the other. "What do you feel like doing?"

Gwynn only gurgled in response.

"Uh...huh."

Tossing the bag against her recliner, Ice Queen held Gwynn close (but considerably far from her neck) and strolled into the kitchen to get some ice cream. As she opened the fridge and pulled out the pint, Gwynn squealed in delight and reached for it.

"Uh-uh-uh!" tutted the ice witch. "You're too young for this, squirt. This is triple espresso coffee ice cream with a French vanilla twist. You'll go bouncing off the walls if you have any of this."

Gwynn pouted, an action even the twisted Ice Queen thought was adorable. Vampire or not, Gwynn was still a baby, and babies were cute.

"WAAAAAAH!"

Fuck.

* * *

><p>A small shiver went through Marshall Lee's body, and Finn turned to him in concern. "Something bugging you, dude?"<p>

Lee paced the large, grassy clearing they were in, the moonlight illuminating the both of them well enough that the vampire couldn't hide his worry.

"I'm just nervous. What if something goes wrong? What if Gwynn bites her? ...What if she DOESN'T bite her? What if Ice Queen sells her?"

Finn stared. "What the stuff, man? Why would Ice Queen sell Gwynn?"

"For dresses or Grow-Your-Own-Prince kits, what the flan do I know? She's CRAZY!"

Finn snickered and didn't even flinch as Lee turned to glare at him in rage. "I'm glad you find this all so funny, Finn."

"It's not that." said Finn, still smirking as he leaned against a large catapult. "It's just...I've never seen you like this. All fatherly and stuff. It's kinda nice. Never knew that the great Vampire King was such a big ol' softy."

Lee blushed and snarled, setting the palm of his hand ablaze. "Just shut up and load that thing."

Shaking his head in amusement, Finn set a large object in the catapult; one of Princess Bubblegum's jawbreakerworks surrounded by a good seven dozen smaller firecrackers. "Whatever you say, Lee."

"PULL!"

* * *

><p>Ice Queen was at her limit. Gwynn had been crying nonstop a whole <em>four minutes<em> and she was close to tearing her magnificent eyebrows out.

"What do you WANT?" shrieked the witch, holding the vampirette at arm's length, her eyes blazing blue.

And that's when she saw it; a large wet spot on the front of Gwynn's diaper and a horrific smell emanating from it.

"Oh, you CAN'T be serious."

Now, Ice Queen had done a lot of things in her life. She had kidnapped princes in desperate attempts to marry them. She had waged miniature war against a 13-year old tomboy and her shapeshifting cat. And there was that one time she got lost in Lumpy Space and had to do some VERY disgraceful things to make it back to the Ice Kingdom.

But she was NOT prepared to add 'changing a diaper' to her list.

"You're on your own for that, kid." said the Ice Queen, unceremoniously dumping Gwynn into the crib she had procured for the tot. "I might be evil, but I've got standards."

Gwynn continued to cry, even after the witch left the room. She cried...and cried...and cried...and cried...and cried some more.

Until the Ice Queen came stomping in, screaming "Fine, I give up!", and grabbed a fresh diaper and some baby powder.

* * *

><p>After a good few rounds of blasting firecrackers out of the sky, Finn and Marshall Lee found themselves at the shores of a nearby lake. Finn, the silly goon, was frolicking at the edge of the water, not a care in the world, his hat tossed to the side and his flowing, blonde hair waving in the moonlight.<p>

Lee watched from afar, his powerful, vampiric eyes letting him see Finn perfectly despite the night and a small smile tugged the corner of his lips. His Finn was still his Finn; a goofy, silly gob who he was head over heels for.

"The water's great, Lee!" whooped Finn, kicking up some water. "C'mon and get down here!"

Lee wasn't too fond of water. It's not like he hated it, he just preferred other forms of water. Shower stalls and baths for one, and Finn would definitely attest to that. "I'll sit this out, thanks."

"Aw, lame!" shot back Finn, crossing his arms.

And then, he got an idea.

First, making sure he still had Lee's attention, he grabbed the sides of his shirt and crossed his arms, slowly peeling it off.

From his resting place, Marshall Lee's throat suddenly became very dry. Ever since Gwynn had come along, the moments where he and Finn could become...'intimate' were few and far between. But right now, it almost seemed like the setup for a cheesy romantic comedy. The way the moonlight hit Finn's pale, wiry body...the water dripping down his chest...his dripping wet hair clinging to his broad, toned back.

"Finn..." croaked Lee. "What're you doing?"

"Nothin', man." smirked the hero, while mentally cheering 'Gotcha'. Having fully removed his shirt, he tossed it away, and moved to the waistband of his shorts.

Lee's eyes widened as Finn's fingers began pulling down the shorts, only to dilate when they stopped halfway. "Huh." smirked Finn, tugging on them lightly. "The water must've jumbled them up. Lee, would you mind giving me a ha-"

Finn never even DREAMED Lee could fly that fast.

* * *

><p>Several minutes later and Gwynn was nice and clean, in a new diaper and coated in a thin layer of lilac baby powder. Gwynn looked through the bars of her crib at the Ice Queen, who was currently handing the old diaper to one of her many penguin subjects.<p>

"Take this far away and bury it." she ordered, holding her nose. "DEEP."

"Wenk." replied the penguin, and ran off as fast as its tiny feet could carry it.

Sighing in exhaustion, Ice Queen flopped onto her bed, kicking off her heels and grabbing the ice cream from earlier. Eager to lose herself in the world of low-fat, caffeinated creamy goodness, she dug in...

...only to shriek a second later as her hand became submerged in flames.

"WHAT THE _ICE_?" screamed the witch, focusing magic in her hand to reduce the burning.

From the crib, Gwynn was laughing gleefully, clapping her hands together. And each time she did, the flames in the ice cream carton burst a little, some embers falling to the floor and melting it a little.

"The flan do you think you're doing?" hollered the Ice Queen, scooping up the baby and rushing it out of her room. If she didn't think fast, her whole kingdom might go out in flames! Damn vampires and their fire...didn't they know they come from the Nightosphere, not the Fire Kingdom?

After a few minutes of laughing idiotically, Gwynn tuckered herself out and the flames disappeared. While her bedchamber was safe, the same couldn't be said for the Ice Queen's rumpus room, which now resembled a poorly maintained meat locker.

Ice Queen counted slowly to ten, contemplating all the disaster that would befall her if she struck the daughter of the Vampire King. She certainly didn't want to find out the many ways Marshall could skin her alive.

And she still had a deal to cash in with Finn.

The vampirette shivered lightly, cuddling into the still-miffed Ice Queen's lap. While she was still angry, she smiled softly and stroked the baby's two-toned hair, her long nails gently caressing Gwynn's scalp.

"Look at you." she cooed, gently flicking Gwynn's ear. "You'd think you were just a regular baby instead of some pyromaniacal little hellion bent on making my life difficult."

Gwynn sneezed and clutched onto the front of Ice Queen's dress and the witch couldn't help but blush at the sight.

Ice Queen never had kids on the sole belief that she thought she'd be a terrible mother. She wasn't exactly what you'd call a good role model, what with her evil alignment, twisted way of thinking and unnatural urge to abduct barely legal royal men. But hey, no one's perfect.

As Ice Queen continued to stroke Gwynn's hair, she recalled an old song. From where it came from, she didn't know, but it coursed through and calmed her with its familiarity and soothed her with its serenity.

"_Hush...and shush...and don't make a peep. Hush...and shush...for now it's time to sleep. Sleep, sleep away, and dream a pleasant dream. Drift off to the land where joy reigns supreme. Rest and relax, and lay down your head, for now, it's time for you to go to bed._"

Gwynn let out a small yawn and nodded off right in the Ice Queen's lap, snoring softly and becoming content against her lithe frame.

With all the grace, stealth and finesse of an ice kunoichi, Ice Queen slowly plucked Gwynn from her lap, walked into her room and gently set her down in her crib. She pulled the blankets up to the tiny vampire's frame to keep her warm and, uncharacteristically, leaned in and gave Gwynn a kiss on the forehead.

"Sleep tight, little vampire."

* * *

><p>Lee, panting and sweating, rolled off an equally exhausted Finn, both of them as naked as the day they were born. Finn's face was still flaming red and his heart was pounding a mile a minute.<p>

"That..." whispered the blonde. "Was flippin' awesome."

Lee floated up some and smirked down at Finn, tracing a single finger down the teen's chest. "That's what you get when you tease a sexually frustrated vampire."

"I'd say I learned my lesson, but I never learn anything." grinned Finn.

Darting his hand out, Lee pulled Finn into a deep kiss, dragging his forked tongue along the blonde's bottom lip. "Good." he said when he broke it, placing a hand on Finn's chest. "'Cuz I'm not done with you."

* * *

><p>Ice Queen was seated at her synthesizer, awkwardly pressing keys in an attempt to create a new song. Sighing in exasperation, she slumped onto the instrument, a loud discordant note blasting from it.<p>

"Dang it." she grumbled, running a finger over the emblem of her precious synthesizer; 'TDH' in Chiller font. "I can't come up with anything. Stupid Fionna, gunking my thoughts..."

Suddenly, Ice Queen felt a tug on the hem of her dress. Looking down, she saw Gwynn sitting there, blinking her big, red eyes up at the queen.

"What could you possibly want now?" huffed the ice witch, lifting her head up. "How'd you even get out of the crib?" In response, Gwynn patted her tummy.

"Oh, right, babies need to eat too, don't they..." muttered Ice Queen, scooping Gwynn up. "Lemme see if I've got any milk around here."

Ice Queen searched high and low, but couldn't find a drop of milk in the entire cave. She was starting to panic, and Gwynn was starting to get fussy. Which was not a good thing.

"Damn it..." hissed Ice Queen, reaching into her dress pocket. "What did that wannabe king say?"

Scanning the list, she quickly found the section that stated what to do if there wasn't milk available. 'In a pinch, give her something red.'

But Ice Queen only had one thing in red, and GLOB if she was gonna give it up to a vampirette. She needed those for princes. Or just nights when she wanted to feel sexy.

Really sweating now, Ice Queen looked around and spied a fruit bowl in her kitchen countertop. Gina was always bugging her to eat healthy and now she was thankful she only punted the penguin 80 meters feet instead of her usual 120.

Rushing over to it, Ice Queen plucked out an apple and held it to Gwynn. "C'mon, c'mon, eat." Gurgling, Gwynn took the apple and, hissing, bit hard into it. In seconds, she drained the red away, leaving the fruit a dull grey color.

Sighing in relief, Ice Queen sat down in her sofa, rubbing Gwynn's back. "Sheesh, no wonder Finn and his boy-toy needed a babysitter. You may be small, but you're a real handful."

Gwynn simply cocked her head and gurgled curiously.

Smiling, Ice Queen patted Gwynn's head. "Silly kid..."

* * *

><p>Lee flew back to the Ice Kingdom, a drowsy Finn on his back and a sour look on his face. While he was ecstatic over being able to see Gwynn again, he wasn't happy about the deal he promised to the Ice Queen. Finn was DEFINITELY gonna couch exile him this time.<p>

Landing outside the Queen's home, Lee knocked on the door, once, twice, three times. No answer. He knocked again, harder this time, only for the open door to creak slightly open.

"Guess she's allowed, being a psycho ice witch." muttered Lee.

Stepping in, he looked around the foyer until he spied a very...amusing sight.

"Finn." whispered Lee, nudging his wife. "Wake up, you gotta see this."

"Mmm...but I don't wanna lick the zebra..." muttered the hero.

Rolling his eyes, Lee shucked Finn off his back, the hero crashing to the floor, fully waking him in the process. "The stuff, dude!" hissed Finn, rubbing his rump.

Lee lightly bonked Finn on the head, put a shushing finger to his lips and pointed at something that would stay with the boys for many years to come.

Ice Queen was lying on her back on the sofa, her snow-white hair touching the floor and sleeping peacefully. And lying on her chest, curled up like a cat, was Gwynn, snoring softly as she, too, slept.

The picture was so sweet, so innocent, so adorable, it almost made the two boys forget how much of a nutcase the Ice Queen was.

Almost.

"Should we wait 'till they wake up?" whispered Finn. Lee thought about it. On the one hand, this was enough blackmail material to last a good few centuries or so. On the other...he still owed Ice Queen, and vampires are always true to their word.

Sighing, Lee floated over the the dozing pair and poked Ice Queen's cheek. "Wakey, wakey, little Miss Crazy."

Bluish-white eyes snapped open and, upon seeing the smirking Marshall Lee, immediately narrowed in annoyance. "Oh, it's you."

"Yeah, the father of the kid you've been watching for the last few hours. Who is now snuggled up on you like an adorable kitty."

Ice Queen blushed as Lee plucked the still sleeping Gwynn off of her and handed her to Finn. "So...thanks. Y'know, for not eating her or something."

Ice Queen waved her hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now, about that deal..."

Finn gulped as Ice Queen's eyes locked onto his, suddenly feeling even colder than he already was.

"It's off."

Both Finn and Lee blinked. "What?"

Ice Queen yawned and stretched, turning on her side. "Yeah, forget it. I mean, a half-hour alone with Finn? I don't even know what I was thinking. Like he'd know what to do with all this anyway. So I'll think of some other way for you stooges to pay me back."

Finn and Lee exchanged glances. "Um...thanks?" said the hero.

"Yeah, whatever. Now, scram, I gotta go fix the mess that little pyro made of my rumpus room."

Not wanting to press the issue further, the two bid the Ice Queen goodbye and left, zooming off into the distance. When Ice Queen was sure they'd gone, she placed a hand on the spot where Gwynn slept.

It was still warm.

* * *

><p>And so begins what I hope is my greatest slice-of-life to date. Buckle your seatbelts, ready your Soft Cheese and adjust your rearview mirror, 'cuz it's only gonna get crazier from here on out~<p>

Oh, and bonus points to whoever can figure out what the initals for Ice Queen's synthesizer stand for~ ;)


	3. Bat Outta Gum

This was pretty fun. Less cracky and more fluff than anything. The Princess Bubblegum and Marceline pairing has always been appealing, if not for its sweetness (pun intended), then for its hilarity. Here, I'd like to combine both. Enjoy~^^

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><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>

Adventure Time isn't mine. And next chapter, you'll be very glad why~ :3

* * *

><p>Princess Bubblegum was hard at work mixing dangerous chemicals with other dangerous chemicals. Why? Because she could, that's why.<p>

"I don't even remember MAKING this." murmured the princess, looking at a beaker labeled 'Body Lotion/Paint Remover'. Shrugging, she tossed the contents into the large bowl before her, making the formerly neon green concoction bubble and fizz into an angry red.

It was a rare day for the gummy princess indeed. There was no royal business to attend to, the Ice King wasn't trying to kidnap her and Cinnamon Bun didn't need watching. This left the princess in an incredible, barely-seen state:

Bored.

And so she entertained herself by mixing several dangerously volatile chemicals together. So engaged was she in her attempt at staving off boredom, she didn't even notice when Marceline snuck up behind her and leaned in close to her ear.

"BOO."

"YEEK!" screamed the princess, nearly dropping a vial of deadly nightshade. Gripping it tightly, she whirled around to face a floating, laughing Marceline.

"That was NOT funny." huffed the princess.

Marceline calmed down to a smirk and turned herself over in midair, pinching Bubblegum's cheeks. "Aw, don't be such a sourball, Bonnibel. Turn that frown right-side down."

Bubblegum swatted away the vampiress's hands and went back to work. Well, boredom. Marceline floated over the princess and rested her head on her gummy shoulder. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Nothing." replied Bubblegum, blushing at Marceline's closeness. "I'm bored."

Marceline mock-gasped, even going as far to cover her mouth dramatically. "Princess Bubblegum? _Bored?_ To think such a word existed in your vocabulary!"

As Bubblegum rolled her eyes and shook her head, Marceline slowly and teasingly ran her hands over the front of the scientist's dress. "Y'know..." the immortal purred, whispering in the princess's ear. "I can think of something to do if you're bored. Something...fun..."

Face now flaming red, Bubblegum tried to shuck off the amorous immortal. "Please, Marceline, I'm not in the mood."

"Psht, like that ever stopped me before."

"No means no, Marceline! Don't make me use the whistle!"

As Bubblegum squirmed more to detach herself from Marceline, she completely forgot she had a beaker of deadly nightshade in her hand. And in forgetting it, she tossed it aside to try and pry Marceline off her with both hands.

Tossed it aside...right into the bowl.

The pair stopped horsing around momentarily to take notice of the bowl with was bubbling, shaking and frothing with all of the rage of Cake during her 'special time'.

"PB..." asked Marceline, staring wide-eyed at the bowl. "Is it supposed to be doing that?"

"Um...no."

Fucking _BOOM._

* * *

><p>"Dang it, Marceline!" coughed Bubblegum as the smoke cleared from the explosion. "When someone tells you 'no', you STOP!"<p>

"Funny," replied Marceline, waving her hands to clear the smoke. "I was always taught that 'no' meant 'yes'."

Eyes watering from the dust, Bubblegum didn't even want to shoot back a reply. But when the smoke finally cleared...

"Marceline?" squeaked Marceline.

"Me?" replied the princess.

A few seconds of silence, then...

"Aw, clam."

* * *

><p>Marceline, who was now in Bubblegum's body, entertained herself by squishing together her new gummy, very perky and squishy breasts. "They're almost bigger than mine." murmured PB!Marceline, unable to stop a smile forming on her face.<p>

Meanwhile, Marceline!Bubblegum was flipping out, unable to properly right herself in midair. "This...is...INSANE!" shrieked the distraught princess-turned-sexy vampire lady. "How did this even happen? What am going to-WILL YOU STOP PLAYING WITH MY BOOBS?"

PB!Marceline stuck her tongue and and continued squishing. "Please, like I'd give up this once-in-a-lifetime chance to molest your body. And you can't even call me out on it since I'm IN your body."

Marceline!Bubblegum opened her mouth to object, but paused. Though she hated to admit it, the vampiress had a point.

It didn't mean she had to like it, though.

"I'll kill you!" screamed Marceline!Bubblegum, desperately trying to control her floating well enough to get within reach of PB!Marceline's neck, but all that she managed to do was a sort of half pas de bourré and bang her ankle against the table. "OW!"

PB!Marceline sighed and walked over to the distressed princess and grabbed her around her waist. "Come here, you're doing it wrong. Imagine yourself swimming, just without using your arms or legs. Center yourself."

Marceline!Bubblegum sniffled but nodded to show she understood. Slowly, carefully, she righted herself and gently touched down, her boots clicking as they hit the floor.

"There, see? That wasn't so hard." smirked PB!Marceline.

"This still stinks." huffed the princess. "What do we do now?"

The two were silent for a moment until an absolutely evil smile crossed the bodyswapped vampiress's face. Seriously, a poinsettia in the corner of the room wilted and DIED, this smile was so evil.

"What's say we take this opportunity to have a little...'fun'?" PB!Marceline smirked. "You _do_ know what fun is, don't you?"

Marceline!Bubblegum huffed. "Of course I know what fun is! But you and I have very different ideas of fun."

PB!Marceline rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like science and math, I like juggling whywolves. The point is, we have a GREAT opportunity to really mess with some people today."

Marceline!Bubblegum leaned in, a playful smirk on her face that seemed more at home on the vampiress's. "I'm listening."

* * *

><p>Prince Gumball, unlike Princess Bubblegum, was hard at work in his lab, being productive and not swapping bods. He was, in fact, trying to make a kind of cereal that stayed both crunchy AND soggy in milk. If he succeeded, he was a shoo-in to win this year's Candy Science Fair.<p>

"Hmm..." muttered the prince, tapping his pencil against the clipboard that had all his formulae. He paced around his table, eyes locked onto the bowl of cereal placed upon it. It was an ordinary bowl of cornflakes, except for the fact that they appeared to be break-dancing on the surface of the milk.

"Conclusion:" stated the prince, scrawling onto his clipboard. "Six teaspoons of Snap, Crackle and Hip Hop...too much."

So engrossed was he with his work, he didn't even notice Princess Bubblegum sneak up behind him and practically glomp him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Hiya, there, Gumbabe." purred the princess in a sultry voice.

Gumball nearly dropped his clipboard, turning around to stare at Princess Bubblegum, who was now eyeing the prince with something that could only be called lust.

"H-hey, princess." Bubblegum's behavior shocked him, and he couldn't hide the blush that was making its merry, confused way to his face.

"Watcha doin'?" queried the princess, gently flicking the prince's ears.

Shivering, Gumball barely managed to squeak out a response. "T-trying to make cereal that s-stays soggy and crunchy in milk."

Bubblegum stopped flicking and slumped on the prince's shoulders. "Aw, that sounds boring. Why don't we try something fun?"

Beads of sweat slowly started to roll down Gumball's forehead and his throat suddenly felt VERY dry. "Like what?"

Bubblegum untangled herself and moved to the table, and, in one fluid motion, swept her hands across it, sending the contents crashing and clattering to the floor. The princess then hopped onto the edge, crossing her legs and licking her lips at Gumball. "Oh, I dunno. But I'm sure a young, smart stud like you can guess what a woman wants when she does something like this."

Gumball's face was blazing red now and almost seemed to exude heat. "P-princess, what's gotten into you today?" he squeaked.

"Nothing." replied Bubblegum, winking. "_Yet._"

Gumball swallowed the lump in his throat. "Princess, what you're suggesting is practically incest!"

Faster than Gumball could react, Bubblegum had pushed herself off the table, grabbed the prince by the collar and pulled themselves together until their faces were inches from each other. "You know what they say about incest." whispered Bubblegum, licking the tip of the prince's nose.

"It's relative."

_FWUMP_ went the sound of Prince Gumball hitting the floor, his face red enough to rival Peppermint Butler's stripes. His mouth was in a small 'o' of shock and he lied perfectly still, as though he had taken a sip of paralyzing potion.

From the entrance to the lab, Marceline!Bubblegum floated in, staring at the sight with wide eyes.

"That...was...EVIL."

"Aaaaaand?" smirked PB!Marceline, tossing her gummy hair back.

"And freakin' hilarious."

Marceline!Bubblegum bowed as PB!Marceline clapped, a big smile on her face. "Well, I aim to please. Who do you feel like pranking next?"

The two girls put their heads together (literally, it was pretty funny) until Marceline!Bubblegum pounded her hand into her palm. "I've got an idea."

* * *

><p>Marceline!Bubblegum couldn't believe she was doing this. She SHOULDN'T be doing this. It was wrong, so wrong...but damn her vampiress friend for being so convincing.<p>

She snickered softly from her hiding place in Finn's treehouse, waiting patiently for the hero to return. Marceline's words echoed in her head.

"_Trust me, I hide in their house all the time and the stuff they do when they think they're alone is side-splitting. It'll be great._"

While floating wasn't her strong suit, Bubblegum had instantly mastered the immortal's ability to silently slip in and out of shadows. Marceline had jokingly contributed the quick learning to Bubblegum being a closet pervert, to which she offered no rebuttal.

The sound of footsteps made her tense up and her grin widened as Finn climbed up the ladder to his bedroom. His pack bulged with treasure, no doubt from recently crawling through a dungeon. He shucked his pack into a corner, a pile of gold and jewels spilling out from it.

"That stupid Demon Cat didn't know what hit him." chuckled the hero, kicking off his shoes. "'Approximately everything' my foot."

Finn kicked off his shoes and stripped down to his boxers, hopping into bed for a midday nap. In no time at all, he was dozing peacefully.

"Fiiiiiiinn..." whispered Marceline!Bubblegum in a spooky voice from the shadows, making the hero jolt awake.

"M-Marceline?" he squeaked, pulling the covers up to his chin. "I-is that you?"

"Yeeeeeeeeees, Finn...it is I...the Vampire Queeeeeeeeeen...and I've come for your blooooooooood..."

Finn gulped, shivering in his bed. "Y-you're bluffing! Everyone knows you only drink the color red! Plus, Lee would kill you!"

"Ooh..." hissed Marceline!Bubblegum, moving along the shadows on the floor until she was behind Finn's headboard. "I don't think that will be a problem."

Waving her hand, Marceline!Bubblegum telekinetically whisked away the covers, the sight beneath them making Finn scream like a girl.

The Vampire King's severed head gazed up at him from the foot of the bed, the stump bloodied and jagged, as though it had been chopped off clean by a very damaged axe.

Finn screamed in sheer terror, scooting back as far as he could, sweat cascading down his brow and his heart thumping like crazy. "MARSHALL!"

Giggling silently from behind Finn, she leaned in close and whispered in his ear, "You're next."

Finn screamed loud enough to shatter the glass of his window and dove out of bed, scrambling down the ladder and running for dear life. When she was sure he was gone, Marceline!Bubblegum stepped out of the shadows, giggling madly.

PB!Marceline crawled out from underneath the bed, laughing so hard that tears were in her eyes. "Bonnie, that was flippin' EPIC!" She flipped onto her back, clutching her sides as she laughed harder.

Marceline!Bubblegum bowed, waving her hand to dissipate the glamour of Lee's severed head. "Thank you, thank you. Ooh, it feels so good to be bad!"

"Why do you think I do it?" her friend responded cheekily. "So, who should we mess with next?"

"A better question should be...who _shouldn't_ we?"

* * *

><p>The bodyswapped duo had a grand old time messing around with the denizens of Ooo. Highlights of the day included making Jake think Marceline had eaten Bubblegum, swapping Peppermint Butler and Peppermint Maid's uniforms and dying Marshall Lee's hair bubblegum pink. The two's exploits found themselves on the top of the Candy Kingdom, watching the sun set. The sunhat Marceline had procured for her friend shielded her some, but a few beams still fizzled through, making the princess hiss in pain.<p>

"How can you stand this?" Marceline!Bubblegum said, dipping the hat lower.

PB!Marceline simply smiled and crossed her arms behind her head, leaning back. "You get used to it. Plus, I like a little pain."

Marceline!Bubblegum rolled her eyes and huddled her knees close to her chest to minimize the waning sunlight's harmful rays.

For a while, there was silence between the two as they watched the sun go down, the day's hijinks still fresh in their minds and bringing a smile to each of their faces.

"Hey, Bonnie?"

The princess turned to her vampire friend. "Yeah, Marceline?"

"Today was...pretty awesome. I never knew you had such an evil streak. That trick was Finn was wicked. In a good way."

The princess blinked, and slowly, a smile crossed her face. "Are you having a seizure from being in my body too long, Marceline?" A playful swat was her reply.

"Oh, shut up. I'm just saying, ever since Finn got hitched, I haven't been able to screw around with him as much. It was nice to just...you know...be my usual prankster self."

Marceline!Bubblegum smiled and looked to the sky, the first few stars of the night already appearing. "Well, thanks Marceline. Today was fun for me, too. I never get the chance to be bad, 'cuz, y'know...princess and all."

"Psht." scoffed the vampiress. "I'm a QUEEN and that doesn't stop me. But all the same...thanks for making today awesome, PB."

Gently, the other royal took the vampiress's hand in her own, lacing their fingers together. "Anytime, Mar-Bear."

And just as the sun finally went down, a flash of green burst from the two monarch's clenched hands, rushing along their hands like rails. The light swirled around their bodies, until it crested in their foreheads and vanished.

The two girls blinked, stunned by the light show. "What was that?"

And they turned to each other, gasping. "You're me! Wait, we're me! We're each other!"

Somehow, the bodyswapping spell had faded on its own, returning the two to normal. Laughing ecstatically, the royals hugged each other, o longer burdened by the trouble of the switch.

"Hey, PB?" asked Marceline.

"Yeah, Marceline?"

"Does this mean I won't get to play with your boobs anymore?"

* * *

><p>Ah, these two. Oh, and <strong>heyshaulls<strong>, you were close; the answer to the name of Ice Queen's synthesizer is "Tall, Dark and Handsome.' Which will make the next chapter all the funnier. Seriously, it's gonna be a scream~ X3

As always, people, read, review and whatevers~


	4. Disturb the Harmony Part 1

Well, brace yourselves, 'cuz this is the chapter I introduce my first OC. I've been alluding to this since day one and it's finally here. So, get yourselves ready for a million-laughathon, 'cuz I'm pretty sure I violated at least four different laqs of sanity with this one~

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><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>

I don't Adventure Time, just these hilarious stories and the OC(s) that will make themselves known.

* * *

><p>"Make sure the floors are clean! Dust that chandelier! Align that bread knife! And WILL SOMEONE <em>PLEASE<em> GET CINNAMON BUN OFF THE TABLE?"

Finn, Jake and Marshall Lee stared as Princess Bubblegum barked orders and pointed at numerous things in the banquet hall of her castle. Jake nudged Finn's shoulder and motioned for him to bend down to his level. "Finn, I'm scared, buddy." And he had every right to be.

The princess had called them over a few hours ago, screaming that she needed their help with something urgent. Some royal business, they were too busy playing Beemo's new game to pay any actual attention.

Peppermint Butler dashed in past the trio, pushing a stretcher. Dragging Cinnamon Bun off the table and into the stretcher, he dashed back out the way he came, the wind from his exit rustling Lee's unruly hair.

"So..." ventured the immortal. "What did she need us for, anyway?"

Finn rubbed his chin, trying to think back as to why they were called here in the first place.

* * *

><p><em>"Finn!" Bubblegum's voice screamed from speakerphone. "I need your help!"<em>

_"Sure, PB, what's up?" replied the hero, thumbs clicking away on his controller._

_"I need you to get Jake and Marshall Lee down to the castle right this...what? -sigh- I'll feed you later, Cinnamon Bun, go play over there for a bit, okay? Finn? You still there?"_

_"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come to the castle. We'll be there. What do you need us for, again?"_

_"I told you last week!" snapped the princess. "A delegate from the -brrzat- ...dom is coming to -crackle- ...very important, so PLEASE be on your best behavior. No PDAs!"_

_And _click_ went the phone as it died._

_Finn continued playing his game, soundly whipping Jake's butt in the epic multiplayer mode. "We really gotta get a new phone." said the hero offhand._

_"Totally, bro." replied Jake, leaning back and forth with his controller._

-/-/-/-/-

"WHAT ARE THE THREE OF YOU STANDING AROUND FOR?" screeched the princess, making the boys cower. "GET TO WORK!"

As though someone had turned on the lights in a dark room filled with roaches, the three scattered, still unsure of what it is they were actually supposed to do.

After a few minutes of arbitrarily moving things around to seem busy, Lee sighed and floated over to an incredibly frazzled Princess Bubblegum. "Okay, time for some honesty, princess. We completely forgot what we're here to do. Can you dial your meltdown meter back a few notches and tell us?"

Bubblegum's head whipped in Lee's direction so fast, her crown couldn't follow, giving her an even more manic appearance. "You WHAT?"

"Well, we were playing a game when you called us." said Finn, running up to Lee's side. "And the phone was bad. So...could you just remind us one more time, please?"

Sighing in exasperation, Bubblegum slumped in a nearby chair, rubbing her temples. "This is the last time I'm gonna tell you. Today, a delegate from the Thunder Kingdom is coming with the hopes of forging an alliance with the Candy Kingdom."

Finn blinked. "Since when did Ooo have a Thunder Kingdom?" Finn had traveled all over the mystical land dozens of times, but he had never seen or even heard of any Thunder Kingdom.

"They've only just recently established. They're a small nation, but they're working fast. I mean, the country IS ruled by Thunder Demons."

Finn blinked again. Thunder Demons? Now he was sure PB was making stuff up. "Is that why you're freaking out so much?"

"This is HUGE!" snapped the princess, startling everyone again. "The kingdom may have been recently formed, but their economy is thriving, they already have a well-formed military force and already enlisted Fionna and Cake as honorary citizens!"

"WHAT?" shrieked Finn.

"Their prince was impressed with their fighting skill. And he likes cats."

Suddenly very serious (and miffed Fionna had beaten him to something awesome yet again), Finn dropped to his knee, taking Bubblegum's hand. "Princess, I swear on my honor as an adventurer, I will do everything in my power to make sure this meeting goes off without a hitch."

Marshall Lee floated in and put his hands over Finn's. "That goes double for me, Sugarlocks."

Jake stretched his hand over, grinning broadly. "Me, three!"

Princess Bubblegum smiled for the first time in days. "Thanks guys. This means a lot."

And so, with renewed vigor, the group resumed fixing up the banquet hall. But during one brief moment of recess, Finn slipped away, pulled out his phone and dialed Fionna.

_Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Click._ "Hello?"

"Fionna, what the GLOB?" Finn quietly screamed into the phone.

"Ow! Finn? Is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me!" replied the hero. "What's this about Thunder Demons and Thunder Kingdoms and you being honorable citizens and stuff?"

"'Honorary'." corrected Fionna and Finn could practically see her rolling her eyes. "And I told you all this stuff last week. Weren't you listening?"

Finn rubbed his chin and tried to think back-

"Stop that, Finn, this is no time for a flashback." Fionna cut in. "Look, just try not to freak out when he shows up. Bubblegum really needs this."

Finn nodded. "Yeah, okay."

Bidding his female counterpart goodbye, Finn hung up and sighed. It was gonna be a long day.

* * *

><p>Several hours later, evening had fallen and the entire castle was spic and span. The floor glistened and was clean enough to eat off of. Every inch of the castle gleamed, some places shining so bright it was almost blinding. Exhausted, Finn, Jake and Marshall Lee slumped together in a corner, sighing collectively.<p>

"Man, why'd PB make me clean the ceiling?" grumbled the vampire. "It's not like anyone's gonna look up there for more than two seconds anyway..."

Before anyone could reply, Princess Bubblegum rushed in, a wild look on her face. She obviously wanted to make a good first impression; her hair was neatly combed, nails done, the whole princess shebang. She was even wearing heels, which tipped off the boys just how big this was; Bubblegum NEVER wore shoes.

"He's at the gate!" she squealed, running as fast as she could to the door. Nervously, she ran her hands through her hair, smoothed out her dress and stood at attention. "Look presentable!" she hissed in the three's direction, and they immediately copied Bubblegum's stance.

The gate to the castle opened and in stepped a small creature that Finn would have had a hard time not squealing over. It was about half Jake's size and appeared to be an odd fusion of a panda bear and koala. Its fur was a mix of black and white, with a large, yellow circle on its stomach. Its eyes were large, doe and concealed behind a pair of large glasses, and wore a black butler's uniform with a yellow lightning bolt sewn onto the left breast pocket. It cleared it throat before speaking.

"Presenting," it said in a squeaky voice that reminded Jake of that psycho red squirrel that attacked him that one time. "The honorable Prince Jasso!"

The sky suddenly darkened as clouds gathered, the evening appearing to have turned temporarily into night as thunder boomed and lightning flashed.

Suddenly, a MASSIVE bolt of lightning smashed into the foyer inches from the tiny creature, sending chunks of castle tumbling down. The lightning crackled and shaped into a figure that slowly rose upright. As the smoke cleared, the figure became visible.

It was a young man that couldn't have been older than 18, with skin the color of milk chocolate. His short, black hair was pulled into a ponytail with a single yellow streak going through it. He wore black pants and a black t-shirt, a yellow stripe down the sides of each. His ears were pointed, giving him an elfish appearance, though his eyes were cat-like and striking goldenrod, with red pupils.

"Heya." he said in a smooth voice as everyone stared, Princess Bubblegum's eyes wide with horror at the sight of the gaping hole in her castle. "Sorry about the hole. I like to make an entrance."

The tiny creature next to him sighed and rubbed its temples. "My liege, I truly wish you wouldn't do that. Gaining the favor of other nations goes better when you don't destroy their dwellings."

"Oh, Ukit, stop being such a worrywart. We all know you're going to fix it before we leave, anyway." Ukit rolled his eyes and sighed, following the prince as he strode over to a still stunned Bubblegum. "Princess Bubblegum of the Candy Kingdom, I presume?"

Finally regaining her senses, Bubblegum nodded and curtsied. "It's an honor to make your acquaintance, Prince Jas-"

"I'll stop you right there." the Thunder Demon said, raising a hand. "I'm not big on that whole stuffed shirt gob. Just call me Jasso, okay?"

Ukit sighed. "Prince, it really wouldn't kill you to act royal at least once in your life."

Jasso waved his hand dismissively. "I'd rather not risk it." His striking eyes roved over the foyer until they took notice of the trio of Finn, Jake and Marshall Lee.

"A vampire?" Jasso said quizzically as he made his way to the boys. "My, my...I've never seen one before. What's your name?"

Lee took the prince's hand and began shaking it. "Marshall Lee, the Vampire King. Nice to meet you, Jasso."

"PRINCE Jasso." hissed Ukit, eyeing Lee up and down. "And you should feel grateful that the prince has allowed you to touch his person."

"Ukit, take a chill." said Jasso, waving him away. "And you two are Finn and Jake, I presume?" The heroes nodded and fell to their knees in respect. "Honored are we to meet the ruler of the Thunder Kingdom."

Jasso sighed and motioned for them to stand back up. "Dudes, seriously, stop the whole official stuff. I hate that. Just act as if I was anyone else in Ooo, okay?"

The pair nodded uneasily and Jasso returned to Prince Bubblegum. "Well, shall we begin the tour? I've only got a few hours before I have to be back at the Thunder Kingdom."

"R-right away." replied Bubblegum, still put off slightly by Jasso's lackadaisical behavior. "If you'll just follow me, I'd like to start off with the lab..."

Marshall Lee stared after the two as they left the room, Ukit following close behind. "He seems...nice?"

Jake nodded, crossing his arms. "Yeah, he's pretty cool. Finn?"

But Finn was silent. His eyes were doing that thing then do when he's really freaked out. They were solid black and Finn stood as still as a statue, an incredibly creepy, passive look on his face.

"Finn?" called Jake again, snapping in fingers in front of the stunned hero. "You there, bro?"

Finn nodded sagely. "Yeah. But that guy...that Thunder Demon..."

"What about him?" asked Marshall, worried for Finn.

"He's evil."

* * *

><p>Of all the evil in Finn's rouge's gallery, they all had one thing in common; deceit. Ricardio had seemed to be a nice guy, but had ulterior motives to 'cut out Princess Bubblegum's heart and make out with it.' The businessmen had seemed professional and hardworking, but turned out to be crazy. And the Ice King spoke for himself, especially since the whole 'Nice King' thing. And while many shared Finn's paranoia and wariness, in response to his accusation of Prince Jasso being evil, they had only one thing to say.<p>

"Finn, you're crazy."

"I'm not crazy!" Finn shrieked back as he peered around an archway, tailing the trio of Bubblegum, Jasso and Ukit. "He's totally evil! I just know it!"

"Far be it from me to agree with Jake ever," said Marshall Lee, who was floating above the distressed blonde. "But I think he's right. He doesn't seem bad. I mean, you thought I was evil when you met me."

Finn turned to glare at him. "You pinned me down in the middle of the night and tried to suck my face off."

"Don't act like you didn't love every minute." smirked the vampire.

"ANYWAY..." said Jake, wanting to steer away the conversation. "If Jasso really is evil, what reason does he have for being here? He wants to make an alliance with the Candy Kingdom, after all..."

"He probably just wants it to seem that way, so he can swoop in and take it over! I mean, seriously, have either of you heard of this Thunder Kingdom?"

"It's 'recently developed'." Lee replied, air quotes and all. Finn waved away his sarcasm. "Whatever. I KNOW he's up to something, and I'm gonna find out what."

* * *

><p>"And this is the royal badminton court." said Bubblegum, gesturing widely around the massive arena. "Over there's the swimming pool and over there is the ball pit."<p>

Ukit sniffed and looked around the area in disdain. "We did not come here for leisure activities, Miss Bubblegum. We came to see if the Candy Kingdom is worthy of entering into a treaty with-"

"Ahem." went the sound of Jasso clearing his throat, shooting his diminutive butler a glare. "You'll have to forgive him, he and fun aren't exactly the best of friends."

Bubblegum chuckled nervously. "Well, let's continue."

As the two walked through the pavilion, Finn poked his head out from the ball pit, eyes locked onto Jasso. "C'mon..." he whispered, an intense look on his face. "Lemme see some proof how evil you are, Thunder Demon..."

"So you're stalking him now?"

"EEP!"

Covering his mouth, Finn whirled around to see the bat form of Lee staring at him, tiny hands on tiny hips. "That's a little creepy, man."

"He's evil, I know it! And I'll prove it; watch! Any minute now, he's gonna do something bad."

The two stared as Bubblegum droned on about the architecture of the Candy Kingdom, Ukit with a perpetual frown on his face and Jasso looking so bored, the glaze in his eyes could rival donuts.

"Wow, yeah." said Lee sarcastically. "That's the look of one super-evil hombre. Should I run home and grab your demon blood sword?"

"Yeah!" said Finn ecstatically, to Lee's shock. "Might as well be prepared for whatever evil plan he decides to enact!"

Bat Marshall Lee facepalmed. "Oy vey."

* * *

><p>Princess Bubblegum led Jasso into a large room covered in a glass dome filled with a menagerie of plants; the greenhouse. Birds chirped and fluttered around and butterflies flitted about, the evening sun casting a serene glow over it.<p>

"And this is the greenhouse. Within it contains every breed of plant you could possibly imagine."

"I see..." muttered Ukit. "No doubt some for concocting poisons, I'm sure."

"N-no!" quickly replied Bubblegum, waving her hands. "I-it's just a hobby!"

"That's perfectly understandable." assured Jasso, glaring so hard at Ukit little sparks of electricity crackled in his eyes. "He doesn't understand that people have methods of passing time that are _enjoyable._" Ukit merely scoffed.

From high above, Marshall Lee, in regular vampire form, held Finn tightly around the waist. The hero himself was staring down at the trio through a pair of binoculars, brows furrowed in concentration.

"Look at him." grumbled the blonde. "I bet he's thinking of aaaaaaall the havoc he could wreak in this place."

Lee rolled his eyes for what felt like the billionth time that day. "Yes, dear, so much havoc. He could pluck every petal off every flower in here, and we'd be doomed to contend with having no flowers for at LEAST a few weeks."

* * *

><p>Down below, Ukit cut off Bubblegum right as she was explaining the uses of her jawbreaker perennial. "Miss Bubblegum." he said in a clipped tone. "Much as I love horticulture, we are on a VERY tight schedule. Could you please use what little time we have left to show us something of VALUE? Something that would make us want to align with the Candy Kingdom?"<p>

Bubblegum's face briefly flashed an angry red but was quickly replaced by a look of serenity. "Of course, Mr. Ukit. Perhaps the exercise room, where we can find a device to remove the stick from your ass?"

Silence.

Ukit's jaw dropped into a perfect 'O' of surprise, just as Bubblegum covered her mouth, cheeks redder than the flames of the Fire Kingdom. Jasso was literally rolling around on the floor with laughter, tears streaming from his eyes.

"I-I'm sorry!" Bubblegum furiously apologized as Ukit's fur bristled in anger. "I-I don't know what came over me-"

"Bubblegum..." Jasso said as he picked himself off the floor. "You are a freaking RIOT. That's the first time I've ever seen someone other than me put Lord Stuffy Ears in his place." Wiping the last few tears of laughter from his eyes, Jasso picked up the fuming Ukit and placed him on his head. "Shall we continue the tour?"

Nodding, the princess gestured them out of the greenhouse to the rest of the castle.

* * *

><p>"..."<p>

"..."

"..."

It was Lee who broke the silence. "That...was...HILARIOUS. I've NEVER seen Sugarlocks lose her cool like that. Serves that sourpuss bear right, though, huh, Finn? ...Finn?"

But Finn was covering his mouth, trying his best not to laugh.

* * *

><p>After several more tours (where Ukit was ordered by Jasso to keep his mouth shut and Jake had to leave midway through to keep a date with Lady Rainicorn), Finn and Lee stalking them the whole way and finding no evidence of evil, the group ended up in the banquet hall, ready to sit down to a farewell dinner. Finn and Marshall Lee sat on either side of Bubblegum, with Ukit seated at Jasso's right. Peppermint Butler came in with a food cart carrying several covered dishes and set one before each of the diners.<p>

"It's...it's not candy, is it?" inquired the prince.

"No!" replied Bubblegum as Peppermint Butler swiftly removed the dishes to reveal a steaming plate of spaghetti with meatballs, and garlic on the side for each of them.

"GOOD GOB!" hollered Jasso, his eyes tripling in size.

"Oh, gosh, I'm sorry!" moaned the princess, covering the dish. "I was just so nervous about what to serve I went with the easiest thing and..."

Just when it seemed Bubblegum was about to break down, Jasso turned in her direction. "I don't think you understand; I flippin' LOVE spaghetti and meatballs."

Bubblegum's eyes lit up as Ukit scoffed. "Caviar, crackers and finger sandwiches would've been more appropriate."

Finn opened his mouth to retort but Lee silenced him with a swift under-the-table kick.

"And it's a nice night out, too." Jasso said, gazing out of one of the many enormous windows. "We don't get much snow in the Thunder Kingdom."

"Well," began Bubblegum. "The Candy Kingdom is famous for its clear evenings, as well as..." She paused. "Did you say 'snow'?"

_CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!_

Bursting through the ceiling came a massive pillar of ice that split the elongated dinner table right down the middle, sending chucks of plaster and ice everywhere. Ukit yelped and dove under the table as Jasso, wide-eyed, simply scooted his chair back. From above came a high, wicked cackle as a tall, imposing woman descended via elegant lighting bolt-shaped eyebrows.

"Now, isn't this rude of you!" laughed the Ice Queen, landing on the ice pillar. "Having a party and you didn't invite me!"

"Ice Queen!" snarled Finn, unsheathing his Root Sword and getting into a battle stance. "Why are you here? Prince Gumball's not even in the Candy Kingdom right now, he's on vacation!"

"Don't gimme that!" snapped back the ice witch, sending a bolt of frost at Finn that he narrowly avoided. "You're always keeping the princes under wraps, but not this time! Now, fork over Gumball!"

Marshall Lee floated up from his seat and rolled up his sleeves. "Ice Queen, before I lay some serious-ass smackdown on you, I have one question to ask: who's watching Gwynn?"

"Gina, of course."

"Oh, okay." And then he lunged.

Ice Queen jumped out of the way of the vampire and quickly shot a ray of magic at him, coating him head to toe in ice. "Nice try!" cackled the witch, sticking her tongue out.

"REEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Finn, springing into action; Root Sword held high.

Mock-yawning, Ice Queen shot a blast at Finn's legs, instantly coating them in ice and sending him plummeting to the ground. "Gotta do better than that, blondie! Now, last time, where's Gum-"

"_**ICE QUEEN!**_**"**

The queen visibly flinched as Bubblegum rose from her seat, her eyes blazing and fists clenched. The princess had tried so hard to make Prince Jasso feel welcome, to show him that the Candy People were good, kind-hearted citizens that would do no harm to others and the Ice Queen had come to ruin it.

16 hours of hard work down the drain.

Needless to say, she was pissed.

ROYALLY pissed.

"I spent all day setting this up..." said the princess, so softly after her previous howl that it was borderline terrifying. "Trying to get everything perfect...to forge an alliance with a new nation...and _YOU_...had to come in here...and FUCK IT ALL TO GLOB! _**GUARDIANS!**_"

Two hands tore off the ceiling of the castle, the two Gumball Guardians glaring down hard at the wide-eyed Ice Queen.

"Get RID of her!"

"[Yes, princess.]" replied the gargantuan sentries in their monotone.

Ice Queen whipped around to glare at Bubblegum, taking flight on her eyebrows. "This isn't over, pinky! Prince Gumball WILL be mine!" And, sticking her tongue out, she took flight, avoiding the hands of the Gumball Guardians.

After the chaos was over, Ukit, jumped out from under the table, a look of pure anger and indignation on his face. "Princess Bubblegum! Is THIS how you take care of a nation?" He gestured around the destroyed banquet hall for emphasis as Bonnibel slumped in her seat, cringing in shame. "To even THINK we would form an alliance with such spineless, cowardly, incompetent fools that couldn't fend off the attack of a mere ice witch is nothing more than fanta-"

"Ukit, shut up."

Four pairs of eyes (one set frozen) turned to Prince Jasso, who was looking up at the hole Ice Queen had escaped from. His eyes were alight with wonder, pink very faintly ringing his cheeks.

"Princess Bubblegum." whispered the Thunder Demon. "Who was _that?_"

The princess sighed and slumped further in her seat, rubbing her temples. "That was Ice Queen. She's a constant annoyance to everyone. She's obsessed with kidnapping princes and she's totally crazy and freaking dangerous and-"

"The most beautiful creature I've seen in all of Ooo."

Absolute.

Total.

Silence.

Ukit's eyes bugged out so much, the veins were visible. Finn's jaw dropped so hard and so fast, the bones cracked slightly. Marshall Lee was so shocked, the sheer energy of his surprise shattered the ice. And Bubblegum...

She stared at Prince Jasso as though he had suddenly stripped naked, grown two extra heads and commanded her to do the cha-cha while juggling fruit pies. "Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-what?"

"Those eyes..." said Jasso, the pink in his cheeks glowing brighter. "Such an alluring mixture of blue and white. That voice...like a raging spring thunderstorm. That passion and drive...the likes of which I've never seen. And such form...the way that flowing dress hugged very curve. An angel in a witch's image..."

Finn turned to side and violently threw up as Marshall Lee fainted, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. Bubblegum waited for locusts and frogs to come trampling in any second now. "Prince-I mean, Jasso...you...CAN'T be serious."

"In all my years of living, I've never been more serious; and I'm NEVER serious." In a flash of lightning, Jasso was in front of Bubblegum, holding her hand like a priceless object. "You say you wish to enter into an alliance with my kingdom?"

Bubblegum nodded dumbly.

"Bring me this Ice Queen so that she might be my bride and you shall have your wish."

* * *

><p>Hehehe...~<p> 


	5. Disturb the Harmony Part 2

...Je...sus...CHRIST, guys, sorry for the long wait. This chapter is huge, a solid 20 pages and took a WHILE to fine-tune. I wanted to get everything together, but then my lazy ass kept forgetting to upload. Add on the previous pain and hell of final week, rents and job hunting and you've got one frazzled literary psycho. But enough of my rambling; you all wanted an update and you got one. LOTS of them. So keep those review buttons ready~ ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>

I own not Adventure Time, nor the song "Love in the Ice" by DBSK, which is in here in English.

* * *

><p>Princess Bubblegum always believed she was a good person. She was a kind and just ruler. She did no wrong to no one. She was constantly helping people with her experiments. And every morning before she began the day, she knelt beside her bed and silently worshipped Glob.<p>

But she must have been truly, truly, TRULY evil in a past life for her to be in this situation.

* * *

><p>The princess had gathered all of her friends together to asses the situation. Everyone was there; Marceline, Marshall Lee, Finn, Jake, Fionna, Cake, Lady Rainicorn, Lord Monochromicorn, Prince Gumball, even Beemo.<p>

"Everyone here?" said Bubblegum, looking around the group. "Okay. Now, we have a situation of crumbing proportions here, people. As you all know, I've been trying to get the recently established Thunder Kingdom to sign into a treaty with the Candy Kingdom. Well, I'm here to tell you that we're on the track to making it a reality."

There was a loud whoop of cheers from the gathering, from all except Finn and Marshall Lee, the only two who knew the horrible clause for the treaty.

Princess Bubblegum raised her hand for silence. "Settle down, everyone. While this is a cause for celebration, there's a...condition that comes with this. You see...the prince, Jasso will only enter into the treaty..." The princess took a deep breath in preparation for this next part.

"...if the Ice Queen agrees to marry him."

The result was instantaneous.

All of Cake's fur frizzed out at once, giving her the appearance of a giant puffball on legs. Fionna turned a sludgy green and turned around in her chair, puking violently. Lady Rainicorn fainted, her body coiling up on the floor and Jake immediately rushed to her side to fan her. Lord Monochromicorn's body turned stark white, his eyes shrinking to the smallest possible size. Marceline's mouth dropped into a perfect 'O' of shock and Gumball...well, he was actually trying to hold back a smile.

"I know." said Bubblegum, looking like she was about to cry. "I don't know what's going through his head, but that's his one condition. So I ask you all...what the heck am I supposed to do?"

"Let him?" said Gumball, perhaps a little too quickly. Everyone conscious turned to stare at him incredulously.

"What? Think about it. He'll enter into a treaty with us if we marry him off to the most psychotic ice witch in Ooo, right? How will the Ice Queen be able to attack us, or any other nations for that matter, if her...husband..." he shuddered as he said the word; it didn't even FEEL right. "Is in alliance with the Candy Kingdom, and by extension, all the other kingdoms of Ooo?"

Thoughtful silence followed Gumball's declaration. While his proposal was insane, outrageous and in any harsher monarchy would have been answered with a hanging, he was right.

Deranged, but right.

"Just HOW are we gonna make that happen?" shrieked Cake, smoothing out her fur. "Ice Queen's total bonkers; AND hot for Gumball!"

"Correction." replied Gumball. "She's hot for PRINCES. And Jasso IS a prince."

Again, he was right.

"So...how are we gonna make this work?" asked Bubblegum. "Any and all suggestions are welcome."

Marceline raised her hand. "What if we lock the two of them in a room and pump aphrodisiac inside?"

Everyone stared.

"'Any and all.'" she echoed, smirking.

Beemo waved his tiny hand, jumping ecstatically in his seat. "I have an idea! What if we get lots of glue, and we stick the two of them together?"

Bubblegum sighed and rubbed her temples. "Let me rephrase my earlier statement. SENSIBLE ideas, please, people. Anything less with be punishable by spending an hour in the lollipop leech room."

Lee took Finn's hand and pulled it down gently for him; smiling smugly. "Your balls are welcome."

"Well, why don't we try something simple?"

All eyes turned to Jake, who was propping up Lady Rainicorn back into her chair. "Why not just...set them up on a date with each other?"

* * *

><p>Fionna grumbled angrily as she rode on Cake's back, the now enormous cat carrying her to the Ice Kingdom. Fate had decided to be a total wad and saddle her with the job of convincing the Ice Queen to meet with the Thunder Prince. Something she was NOT happy about.<p>

"Why do _I _have to be the one to do this?" she huffed, pulling her scarf tighter.

"'Cuz we've got history with the Lady of Crazy." replied Cake, though she wasn't happy about the situation either. "You know that, girl."

Fionna sighed as snow flurries gathered around them, a sign that they were nearing the Ice Queen's domain. "I know, I know, but it still bites grapefruit. How do we even know this is gonna work?"

Cake shrugged, ending the conversation, the two traveling in a contemplative silence. A few minutes later, they arrived on the Ice Queen's doorstep, the large wooden door seeming even more foreboding than it usually was.

Sighing heavily, the blonde knocked hard on the door, once, twice, three times.

The sound of approaching footsteps reached their ears and the door flew open, nearly smacking girl and cat in the faces.

The sight that greeted them made them scream in terror; it was Ice Queen, alright, but her face had been slathered in some kind of lumpy, dark green substance, a fluffy white towel wrapped around her head.

"WHAT THE GLOB?" shrieked Fionna, jumping back in fear, the sorceress blinking in surprise. "What is that on your face?"

Ice Queen glowered at the two, putting her hands on her hips. "It's guacamole, you brats! It's for my face, to keep it smooth and beautiful."

A beat and Fionna and Cake burst into giggles. "Yeah, sure it is." whispered the heroine. "It's not like it's gonna help any." snickered the cat in reply.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" hissed the queen, her clenched fists shining with blue magic.

The two stopped giggling and snapped back to attention, remembering they had come here on a mission. "Nothing. Say, Ice Queen, you like princes, right?"

The witch sighed and rolled her eyes, dropping back into a relaxed stance. "Does Cake have erotic daydreams about Lord Monochromicorn?"

Fionna whirled to her feline partner. "You do?"

Cake's jaw dropped, her cheeks tinged pink and thrust an accusatory finger at the the smirking Ice Queen. "I told you that in confidence, you...you...devil woman!"

Ice Queen waved away the cat's outburst, leaning against the doorframe. "Anyway, yeah, I like princes. You should know that based on how many times I kidnapped your boyfriend Gumball."

Now it was Fionna's turn to blush. "He's not my boyfriend...but that's not the point. What if we were to tell you that there's a prince who actually wants to meet you?"

The witch scoffed. "I'd say 'get off my doorstep before I turn you both into ice cubes." She turned to slip back inside, but Cake halted her by stretching out a leg into the doorframe.

"We're serious." said Fionna, trying to not to sound desperate, which was pretty hard. The whole plan was counting on the Ice Queen to be her usual royal boy-crazy self. "We met this prince a while ago and you...came up in conversation, and he seemed interested. Then when we told him all about you, he went nuts. He's really eager to see you."

Ice Queen's eyes widened. "...Really?"

Seizing the opportunity, Cake jumped in to further the sell. "Yeah, yeah, you'll love him. He's young..." The Ice Queen 'oohed'. "He's cute..." Another 'ooh'. "He's got a great personality..." There were practically hearts in the Ice Queen's eyes now. "And he's WAY into ice witches."

Ice Queen clapped her hands gleefully, bouncing on her heels like a schoolgirl. "Yes, yes, yes to all that! Who is he?"

* * *

><p>Prince Jasso stared out the window of his room, eyes staring wistfully far to the Candy Kingdom in the south, where he first saw the Ice Queen. His cheeks glowed a faint pink as he recalled first having laid eyes on her. The way she destroyed property, her boastfulness, her fury...it was poetry in motion.<p>

"If only I could see her again..." he whispered, his heart again yearning for the sight of the ice witch.

"Ahem."

Jasso whipped around to see Ukit staring at him, tapping his foot impatiently. "Prince Jasso," said, bowing and gesturing to the door. "A visitor is here to see you."

In walked Princess Bubblegum, waving hello and looking around the room in awe. It was almost bigger than hers, with a large four-poster bed and a massive window that allowed a generous amount of light to be allowed into the room. In the center of the room was a large rug with a picture of a thunderstorm emblazoned on it. The floor was tiled, asymmetrical colorings of red, black, white and gold. The princess whistled as she stepped in, nodding in approval. "Nice room..."

"Thanks." replied Jasso, moving away from the window. "So, to what do I owe the visit?"

Bubblegum pushed her fingertips together nervously. "Um...it's about the...Ice Queen."

Immediately Jasso became animated, rushing over to Bubblegum in a burst of lightning so intense he left a little fire trail behind him. Yelling in a panic, Ukit ran over to the slowly starting fire and began stomping it out.

"What have you heard? Did you tell her about me? Did she say yes? Is she coming to the Thunder Kingdom?"

Bubblegum blinked in shock. 'Wow. He's really nuts about her. That makes me feel...even sicker.' "Well, I've sent Fionna and Cake to talk to her. I'm expecting their call any minute now, and from there, we'll have our answer."

"My prince, you can't be serious!" squeaked Ukit, having finally put out the fire. "You still have intentions to marry that...that...uncouth ragamuffin of a queen? Surely you have better taste than that!"

Jasso glared at his servant, eyes crackling slightly with electricity. "Are you calling the love of my life uncouth, Ukit?"

The panda-koala bear gulped, sensing the rage building in his ruler. "B-but sir, there are much more suitable women where you could seek their hand! Each surely better than that ice witch!"

"There's no one better." Jasso said with a sense of finality. "You're always going on about 'Prince Jasso, you need to find a bride' or 'Prince Jasso, you must think about siring an heir for your kingdom' or some other stuff like that. Now that I find a woman I actually like, you want to be picky? Can't you just be happy for me?"

Ukit was silent, a great feeling of guilt and shame washing over him. All Jasso's life, he had refused the advances of a great many Thunder Demonesses, for reasons that Ukit never fully understood. When he worked up the courage to ask the prince, his response was that they were 'too plain'. But of all people for him to fall for, an insane ice witch? However, Ukit was the prince's closest friend, and his confidante. Whether or not he liked the situation, it was expected of him to be supportive and helpful in any way he could.

Ukit fell to his knees, head lowered in penitence and arms folded before him. "F...forgive me, sire. I was only looking out for your best interest. I...worry about you sometimes."

Jasso smiled and motioned for Ukit to raise his head, which he did. The prince walked over to him and picked up the tiny bear, setting him on his head, a habit he never grew out of as a child. "You've been looking out for me for 18 years, Ukit, and you've been doing a sweet job so far. I'm still here, right?"

Ukit allowed himself a small smile and Bubblegum had to discreetly pinch herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming. "That you are, sir."

"So stop worrying. I'm gonna be fine, dude." Ukit rolled his eyes and patted the prince's hair. "Whatever you say, prince."

A loud ringing made the two jump. They turned to Bubblegum, who was fishing a phone from her pocket. Mouthing 'sorry', she pressed a button and held it to her ear. "Bubblegum speaking. Yeah, I'm at the Thunder Kingdom. Mmhmm...okay...really? _REALLY?_That's...great!" The princess chuckled nervously. "Tonight? 8pm? O-okay...I'll be sure to tell him." And she clicked the phone off.

"That was Fionna." said Bubblegum uneasily. "Ice Queen's for it. She'd like to meet you tonight...at her castle."

Jasso let out a sound that Princess Bubblegum would forever refer to as 'squeetiful', pumping his fist into the air with such enthusiasm he let loose a bolt of lightning that blew a massive hole in the ceiling. "YES!"

The prince plucked a shocked Ukit from his head and began swinging him around, pointy ears wiggling in glee. "Did you hear that, Ukit? She said yes! She said YES!"

"V-very happy for you, sir!" the panda-koala bear said, holding desperately onto Jasso's hands. "But shouldn't we get you ready?"

Jasso stopped mid-spin, eyes widening to the size of dinner plates. "You're right! There's so much I gotta do! Oh, man, my hair's all over the place, my face is a mess..."

Bubblegum waved the pair goodbye, awkwardly stepping backwards out of the room. While she was happy for the Thunder Prince, she couldn't shake the intense feeling of dread that filled her heart.

* * *

><p>Ice Queen frantically rummaged through her closet, tossing clothes behind her as she dismissed them as prospects for what to wear for her first date in...well, ever. Gina, her ever faithful #1 penguin stood behind her, tapping her foot impatiently as she waited for the queen to make a decision. "Wenk." she said, crossing her arms...flippers and huffing.<p>

"You don't HAVE to stand behind me like that." said Ice Queen, throwing a blue-and-white hoodie over her shoulder. "I'm perfectly capable of picking out my own clothes."

"We-wenk." was Gina's reply.

Ice Queen gasped indignantly, turning to face the penguin with her hands on her hips. "I do NOT! That was just that one time I kidnapped Ghost Prince! Like it did any good, anyway."

Gina shrugged and sauntered off to the kitchen to make herself a sno-cone, leaving Ice Queen to tear her closet apart.

And, after a few more minutes of searching, she found it. The perfect outfit.

* * *

><p>Jasso sighed as Ukit took his measurements, the little panda-koala bear muttering to himself as he did so. "Now, I'm sure I could fit your halberd here if I sew a big enough pocket..."<p>

The Thunder Prince rolled his eyes. "Ukit, it's a date; I'm not going to war."

"A woman of that fighting caliber, you might as well be, sire. It wouldn't hurt to be prepared."

Jasso gestured to the miniature armory Ukit had affixed to his person; two poleaxes crossed over his back, a dagger concealed in each sleeve and an urumi as a belt. "I think you've 'prepared' me enough already, dude. And isn't that a bit much!"

Ukit set down the large chainsaw he was bringing over to the prince, blushing in embarrassment. "Just as well, sire. The teeth still jam."

The prince groaned and shucked off the weapon-laden coat that Ukit had dug out of his closet for him. "I appreciate the effort, buddy, but I'm sure I'll be fine enough with my grippers."

Ukit raised an eyebrow. "'Grippers', my liege?"

"My fidget digits."

"Er..."

"For glob's sake, Ukit, my hands." For emphasis, he held up the aforementioned appendages and wiggled his fingers, making little sparks of electricity dance about the tips. "I'm still a Thunder Demon. I breathe over 10,000 volts."

"Ah. Very droll, sir."

"Anyway...I know exactly what to wear."

In a burst of lightning, Jasso had moved off of the small stool he was previously standing to a seemingly inconspicuous wall to the left of his bed. Placing a palm against it, it glowed briefly, before revealing itself as a hidden door and sliding away.

On the other side hung a long-sleeved black and yellow shirt with the symbol of the Thunder Kingdom over the left breast; two thunderbolts in the shape of a 'T' enclosed in a circle that was actually a stylized 'K'. Below it was a matching pair of pants with three silver stripes on the left leg and three green chains dangling off the right from the middle of the leg to the belt.

Ukit gasped as Jasso donned the outfit, which the prince had long ago coined 'The Shock and Awe'. Form-fitting, stylish and simple (to him, anyway), it was his go-to outfit for special occasions, which this one was definitely qualified.

"Sire, the Shock and Awe?" exclaimed Ukit, to which his prince nodded. "But sir, you haven't worn that since...you know."

Jasso's eyes briefly flashed with electricity but he calmed down, reminding himself that tonight was about new love, not old wounds. "Trust me; I've got this on shock."

Ukit rolled his eyes. "Clever, my liege."

* * *

><p>Fionna and Cake, who were ordered to stay with Ice Queen up until the date (which they STILL couldn't believe was happening) to make sure she wouldn't try anything sneaky, lounged about on the Ice Queen's rather large sofa, thumbing through the royal's diary. Every now and then, they would find an entry that described a loss to the duo, an excerpt they quietly snickered at. The sound of footsteps brought them to attention and, acting swiftly, Fionna tossed the diary behind the sofa and sat up straight, Cake curled up in her lap as though nothing happened.<p>

"Okay, guys!" said Ice Queen, finally strolling out of her room. "Ready!"

Fionna's eyes bugged out and Cake's tailed frizzed, the feline's eyes as wide as the heroine's.

The two had always seen Ice Queen in only her blue dress, which led them to believe she either had no other clothes, or multiple copies of the same one. When Ice Queen breezed into the living room, they were instantly proven wrong; oh, so VERY wrong.

The Ice Queen had forsaken her dress for a pair of blue short-shorts that just barely reached her thighs. Completing her ensemble was a long-sleeved, bluish-white tank top. It was low-cut and showed off a generous portion of the Ice Queen's surprisingly amazing cleavage. The royal's eyelids were cloaked in lavender eyeshadow, giving her an otherworldly appearance and a thin, dark blue line flew horizontally from the corner of each eye.

There were no other words for it; the Ice Queen was HOT.

Fionna reached her hand over to close Cake's gaping mouth while the cat stretched her hand over to wipe away the drool that had gathered at the corner of Fionna's.

"Be honest, you two." she smirked, doing a twirl on her navy blue heels. "What do you think?"

Gina flashed the thumbs...flippers-up sign and let out an approving "Wenk!" while the two female heroes continued to stare dumbly. Ice Queen winked and crossed her arms. "I think I've got my answer."

The sound of knocking made the girls snap to attention. Ice Queen took a deep cleansing breath and did a light stretch. "Okay. You've got this, Ice Queen." she said to herself. "Time to go score a man."

* * *

><p>Jasso gulped as he heard the sound of footsteps coming towards the door. The cold of the Ice Kingdom could barely compare to the icy fear he held in his heart. 'You've got this, Jasso. Don't screw it up.'<p>

The door swung inward and, for the first time in days, the Thunder Prince was treated to the sight of his beloved Ice Queen again. At first glance, his jaw dropped, and he couldn't help his from eyes from quickly glancing at her up and down. 'Sweet thunderous glob.'

Ice Queen felt her face heat up as she took in the sight of the teen. Though she towered over him by at least a head, there was no denying what Cake had said; he was definitely cute. And those eyes of his...they were strange, but in an alluring sort of way. And his ears were ADORABLE.

"H-hi..." squeaked Jasso, all his confidence and swagger gone as the Ice Queen's beauty all but paralyzed him.

Ice Queen let out a seductive purr, licking her lips as she took in the prince. "Cake wasn't kidding when she said you were cute." Jasso blushed at the comment. "So, shall we get this thing started?" said the witch, holding out her hand.

Smiling brightly, Jasso nodded and took the sorceress's hand as her magnificent eyebrows began flapping, the two instantly taking to the skies. Fionna and Cake rushed out to see the two off, the forms of the Ice Queen and Jasso slowly becoming specks in the distance.

"Aw..." said Cake, dabbing the corner of her eye with a tissue. "Isn't love grand, Fionna?"

"Cake!" shrieked the blonde in shock. "Seriously, remember how gross this is! This is like...like...pedophilia!"

"Oh, come now, girl; he's legal."

"She's ANCIENT. And evil!"

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"WHY did you have to say that?"

* * *

><p>The prince held onto Ice Queen's hand tightly, the witch keeping an equally tight grip on him. Though she hailed from the coldest region in all of Ooo, her hand felt warm in his. Warm...and so RIGHT.<p>

"S-so..." stammered Jasso, glancing sideways at the royal. "Any ideas of where you want to go?"

Ice Queen snickered and, with surprising strength and speed, pulled Jasso close to her, so that now instead of flying hand in hand, she was holding him around the waist, her slender fingers pressing into his ribs. Jasso squeaked at the sudden act and his blush deepened as the Ice Queen leaned in close to whisper in his ear. "Silly, isn't it customary for the *boy* to take the *girl* somewhere on a date?" Ice Queen took the opportunity to lightly flick the Thunder Demon's ear with her tongue, sending a pleasurable shiver up his spine.

Jasso bit his lip to hold in another squeak and nodded. "S-sorry. Well, I know one place we can go. Do you like music?"

The queen's eyes shone, her mouth breaking into a wide smile. "I _love _music."

* * *

><p>The pair landed at the spot Jasso had directed them to, only a few yards from a small tavern, a sign on the roof reading 'The Three Beaks'. It was neither boorish nor posh, seeming to hang in the between of the royalty and the regular. From within, the faint sounds of up-tempo jazz music could be heard, an easygoing sound that pleased the Ice Queen's ears.<p>

"Talk about different." said the Ice Queen as Jasso led her inside. "A prince would never think of stepping inside a place like this."

"I'm not like other princes." smirked the teen.

The tavern was quaint, a word the Ice Queen wasn't too familiar with. Circular tables dotted the center of the building, gaggles of humanoids filling in the seats around them. A large stage took up the entire opposite wall, stretching from end to end. To the left of the stage was a fully stocked bar filled with every kind of liquor imaginable; and up in the stage, a band was performing, the source of the jazz music.

A Flame Elemental was playing the saxophone, his red-orange fingers moving in a blur of skill and soul. He was clothed in formal attire, his suit and dress slacks seemingly out of place amongst the casual crowd.

Behind him on drums were two Flambits, one female as evident by her long eyelashes, each with a pair of drumsticks and claiming half of the drumset, working in spectacular tandem to create a rhythmic beat.

And finally, next to the saxophone player stood another Flame Elemental, skinnier than his partner and in the more casual wear of t-shirt and jeans, providing an even accompaniment with his trumpet. The audience listened attentively, enraptured by the music, a few even nodding their heads along to the sound.

"Where'd you find a place like this?" murmured the Ice Queen as Jasso led her to a vacant table. "I've been all over Ooo at least once and I don't remember this place.

"I know the guy who runs it." replied the prince, giving his date a sly look.

The band finished, and there was a round of applause from the audience, to which the performers bowed in thanks. The saxophone player turned in the direction of the two royals and, recognizing the form of Jasso, smiled and rushed over, dismissing his instrument with a snap of his fingers and a flash of flame.

"Jasso!" he said, giving the prince a fist-bump. "Aren't you a sight for weak flames; how've you been man?"

Ice Queen stared as Jasso conversed with the Fire Elemental, a surprised look on her face. Fionna and Cake never mentioned anything about her new prince knowing anyone from Fire Kingdom. She was snapped out of her musings when she noticed the saxophone player was looking at her.

"And who might be your lady friend?" he grinned, nudging Jasso with a suggestive wink. "Isn't she a little old for you?"

The Thunder Demon rolled his eyes and gestured to his friend. "Madame, I'd like you to meet one of my greatest friends, Aseb of the Fire Kingdom."

The musician took the queen's hand gently kissed the back of it. "Charmed, I'm certain. Any friend of Jasso's is one of mine."

The two Flambits who were on drums hopped up onto the table and bowed before the sorceress. "We're Brigit," said the girl. "And Heph." finished the boy.

The trumpet player turned to Ice Queen and mumbled a quick "KT" before turning away.

Aseb sighed and rolled his eyes. "You'll have to forgive him; he's a little antisocial. And you might be...?"

The sorceress winked. "Ice Queen, pleasure to meet you."

Immediately, all chatter in the tavern ceased, every eye locked onto the Thunder Prince and his chilly companion. Hushed whispers rose up from the throng of music-lovers.

"Th-that's the Ice Queen?"

"I thought she looked familiar!"

"What's that hag doing here? Why's she with Jasso?"

"Is she gonna freeze us?"

"Glob, she looks good in all that..."

Aseb inched back ever so slightly as the twin Flambits' flames shrunk in fear. "I-Ice Queen? THE Ice Queen?"

The witch smiled wickedly, two rows of shining white teeth flashing. "I'm the only one I know of."

Aseb's eyes flashed between the pair a few times before he put a hand on the prince's shoulder. "Buddy, a word?"

Without even waiting for a response, Aseb dragged Jasso away from his slightly miffed date to a dark corner of the tavern, next to the bar, where they could speak in private.

"Dude..." said the Flame Elemental. "I-I...I don't even know where to begin. Have you lost your naturally static mind?"

The prince blinked. "What?"

"That's the ICE QUEEN, dude! Seriously, what's wrong with you?"

Jasso turned to the Ice Queen, who waved back happily and even blew a kiss. Blushing, he turned back to his shocked friend, shrugging. "What's the problem?"

"She's...she's EVIL!"

"...Okay."

Aseb's jaw dropped and he frantically tried to explain his case to his seemingly oblivious friend. "She...she's old, dude! REALLY old!"

"Not from what I see."

"For the sake of all that is right with Ooo...she kidnaps princes!"

A sneaky smile crossed Jasso's face. "That I already knew about."

"THEN WHAT THE MATH ARE YOU _DOING _WITH HER?" quietly screamed the saxophone player.

"Aseb," said Jasso in a serious tone, alerting his friend that he was dropping the jokes. "I like her, okay? She fierce...she's funny...and she's globbing HOT. Besides, you know me. Can't you trust me to take care of myself?"

While he didn't like it, Jasso was right. "Yeah...sorry, dude. I just...well, she doesn't exactly have the best reputation in Ooo."

Jasso playfully punched Aseb on the shoulder, sending a little spark shooting through him that made his flames leap about a foot in the air. "You know that stuff doesn't matter to me. Otherwise I wouldn't be friends with you~"

Snickering, his fears allayed, Aseb leaned back against the wall. "So, why'd you bring her here? You're not gonna...?"

"Yeah." replied Jasso, making his way back to the sorceress. "I am."

Aseb gave his friend a thumbs-up and plopped himself into the closest barstool he could get himself to. "Root beer, on the rocks." he requested, to which the bartender nodded.

He turned back to his friend, who was snuggling up against the ice witch, who none-too-subtly draped an arm around him, pulling him tighter to her frame.

Aseb shuddered. "Make that a double."

* * *

><p>"You sing?" marveled the Ice Queen, impishly toying with Jasso's ponytail, sneaking in a few scratches to his neck with a long fingernail that sent shivers up the prince's spine.<p>

"A little bit." replied the Thunder Demon. "It's more of a hobby than anything."

"You continue to surprise me." purred the witch, making the teen blush as she leaned in close to nuzzle his neck with her nose. Brigit gagged slightly and Heph covered his eyes, trying to repress the sight.

"Alright." came a gravely voice from the stage. A large, wiry skeleton had taken hold of the mic, tapping it for attention. "Next up, we've got the return of our favorite Thunder Demon, Jasso."

A loud series of cheers and applause erupted from the bar as said Thunder Demon stood up and made his way to the stage. The skeleton made the 'quiet down' motion with his hand, clearing his throat before continuing. "And...the prince would like to dedicate this song to his, ah...lady friend...the Ice Queen."

Again, the crowd turned to stare at the witch, who responded by letting out a low hiss. The rapid sound of chairs squeaking to move away from her immediately followed.

"Thanks, Luke." said Jasso, fist-bumping the skeleton, taking the mic and adjusting it to his height. "So, this little ditty goes out to the Ice Queen, who, despite her title, is waaay hot."

The Ice Queen 'awwww'd' as a few of the patrons gagged, some rushing to their bar to drown their memories in liquor and soft drinks. Jasso cleared his throat, tapped the mic to ensure it was working, and sang.

"_Those freezing hands aren't your fault  
>They carry scars from long before<br>Afraid to love someone,  
>You turn your back on the other side of the words…<em>

Like ice, the embraced heart slowly starts to thaw...

"

The crowd was silent, eyes focused intently on the Thunder Demon and the beautiful words flowing from his mouth, voice smooth and wistful. Ice Queen's cheeks were flushed, her heart thudding as the words touched her...embraced her...soothed her...

"_For anyone to be loved by someone,  
>Makes life in this world shine<br>If it was me, I'd make your heart warm once more  
>With eternal tenderness...<em>"

Jasso winked at Ice Queen, making a little spark that crackled at the edge of his eye. While the crowd missed it, focused on his heartfelt lyrics, she saw it. The little act of electrokinesis was meant for her, and only for her.

"_Everyone is searching for a place  
>That can take away the sorrow and loneliness<br>So… for you, that place is here_ (Jasso moved his free hand over his heart, again winking at the Ice Queen)  
><em>Don't be afraid, don't hesitate anymore, because I'll protect you.<em>

_To the point of being painful_  
><em>This love is beautiful<em>  
><em>Even if just momentarily<em>  
><em>This time is beautiful...<em>"

Jasso finished his song, smiling wide at his date, whose mouth was dropped in a perfect 'O' of surprise. A beat, and the bar erupted into loud whoops and cheers, applauding the prince as he stepped down the stage.

Aseb, who had finally left the bar but was now thoroughly sloshed, high-fived his friend, nearly falling backwards. "Great as EVAR, Jasso. You, dude...the Thunder Demon with a golden voice."

Brigit, Heph and KT were clapping politely, bowing as Jasso moved to the Ice Queen's side. "So?" said the prince expectantly. "What'd you think?"

The witch was silent as she rose from her seat. Jasso's heart fell as she regarded him with an impassive look. "Oh my gob, you hated it, didn't you? I thought it was too personal, I'm so sorr-"

The teen's apology was cut short as the sorceress grabbed Jasso by his collar and pulled him forward, crashing her lips onto his. The prince's eyes went wide as the Ice Queen's mouth coiled against his, sending waves of pleasure coursing through the stunned youth. Aseb, still drunk, let out a 'whoo!' of appreciation while the two Flambits covered each others' eyes in an attempt to shield themselves from the sight.

After what felt like an eternity, Ice Queen broke the kiss, giving the flabbergasted Jasso a look that radiated both lust and admiration. But mostly lust.

"Great song, Thunderboy."

* * *

><p>The pair walked out of the bar, bidding goodbye to Aseb and his friends, Jasso promising to come back in the near future. The troupe, less terrified of the Ice Queen, wished her goodbye as well, though they still kept their distance.<p>

"So," said Jasso as they took flight again. "How'd you like the Three Beaks?"

"Not bad for a first date." grinned Ice Queen. "You're a lot more fun than Gumball. He never took me anywhere, he was always just trying to escape."

The Thunder Prince raised an eyebrow. "Hadn't you kidnapped him?"

"Just because you're forcibly holding someone against their will doesn't mean they can't show you a good time."

Jasso snickered as they flew through a large, grassy plain, the moon and the starts shining bright and giving them excellent illumination. "I don't get it. Everyone says you kidnap princes all the time. How come you never tried to kidnap me?"

"Oh, trust me," smirked the Ice Queen. "If I had known a Thunder Kingdom existed and had its own prince, I would've been on you like snow on a roof."

Jasso blushed, the Ice Queen responding by blowing him a kiss.

"So, where do you feel like taking me now?"

* * *

><p>Ukit was mad. A good portion of the time, he was always finding something to be stuffy and pissy about, but this time, he was MAD.<p>

Like, REALLY mad.

Ice Queen's eyes lit up at the sight of the diminutive creature, who glared at her with all the rage and fury of a jealous ex-girlfriend. "He's so cuuuuuuuuuuuute!"

"Prince Jasso?" said the Bearwula, motioning for the teen to come closer. "A word?"

"_A _word?" chuckled Jasso nervously. "Or several?"

"Several. Loud. Possibly feral."

Jasso sighed and stepped over to the furious creature, kneeling down to meet him at eye-level. "Say nothing tonight and you can yell at me as loud as you want and as much as you want in the morning."

"...Deal."

"Fantastic!" Jasso, having dodged an incredibly large bullet, leapt to his feet. "Now, then, would my lovely Ice Queen care for a tour of the kingdom?"

The sorceress slinked her arm through the prince's, batting her eyelashes seductively. "I'd love one."

* * *

><p>The Thunder Kingdom was small. Having evolved from a province into a kingdom only recently, it didn't have the size of the Candy Kingdom, nor the resources. But what it lacked in those areas, it more than made up for in charm and hospitality.<p>

The Thunder Demons were a pleasant people, with, of course, the natural ability of electrokinesis. It was easy to identify a denizen, with their dark skin and pointy ears. Since they were still a small nation, most of the efforts were towards establishing connections with the other nations of Ooo. They were already on pleasant terms with the Fire Kingdom and were currently working on establishing ties with the Candy Kingdom. From there, the rest would be easy. Though Jasso didn't appear it, he was a wise and benevolent ruler.

The denizens of the tiny kingdom all adored their prince. He was amiable, hands-on, fair and kind. In other words, the perfect type of ruler.

Another interesting fact about the kingdom was its liberal use of electricity. Since everyone in the kingdom could use and generate electricity, there was no neat to conserve; in effect, the kingdom was a living battery. And that was one of the reasons the Candy Kingdom sought after Jasso's cooperation so badly.

While the Candy Kingdom was, of course, candy-themed with several such locales, the Thunder Kingdom was a...difficult land to travel. It wasn't built to house only certain races like the Fire Kingdom was for its Flame Elementals, but it was highly recommended you wore rubber while traveling. To the east was the treacherous Mokrez Gorge, where excess electricity from the citizens was offloaded. Navigating the massive canyon was a risky move, since spikes of electricity would occasionally arc and shatter the ground.

To the west was the Galvatross Lake, a large, yet enclosed body of water that held many species of life; ferocious electric eels the size of small buildings, sea serpents with the strength of 50 grown Thunder Demons and a ridiculously large kraken with a taste for Thunder Demons foolish enough to dread too close to the lake.

But not all was a death zone in the peaceful kingdom. On its outskirts were the Bolt Strike forests, which, contrary to their name, were actually very calm and serene, with a few clearing to have picnics and enjoy the small woodland creatures that occasionally scampered by.

"So," said Jasso as he led Ice Queen down the kingdom's main thoroughfare. "How do you like it?"

"Not bad." replied the sorceress, her eye caught by a pair of Thunder Demon children rushing by, shooting bolts of lightning at each other playfully. "It's a lot more active than the Ice Kingdom." Which was largely in part due to her subjects being docile, obedient penguins and Snow Gollums.

"Well, hang on; there's one major place I wanna show you before the night's over."

Taking hold of the Ice Queen, Jasso sped off in a burst of lightning, blazing a trail through the kingdom as he twisted, turned and weaved through streets and alleyways, a very flustered ice witch in tow.

Before she could even blink properly, the pair were before an enormous lake, glittering black under the moon's light. From below the surface of the lake, electricity flashed out in periodic bursts.

"Wow..." marveled the Ice Queen, taking in the wondrous sight "This is...amazing."

"There aren't any lakes in the Ice Kingdom?" Jasso said, sitting down near the lake and patting at a spot for the sorceress to sit.

Smiling, the Ice Queen walked over and sat down next to the prince, leaning against his shoulder. "Well, there are, but they're all frozen. It's not ideal."

The two sat watching the lake flash, bathed in the glow of the moon. For a little added fun, the Ice Queen summoned a snowstorm, one weak enough that the lake wouldn't freeze, but powerful enough that there was noticeable change in the landscape. Flakes fell as a wintry chill blew through the area.

Jasso leaned more into the Ice Queen, enraptured by her icy cold skin and the alluring scent of her perfume. What was it, lilac...lavender...no, Japanese cherry blossom. So sweet and earthen...not something he was suspecting from a mistress of the ice.

"Hey, Jasso."

The Thunder Prince snapped out of his daydreaming and looked up at the Ice Queen, who was staring at the teen with a thoughtful look on her face.

"Yes?"

"I've been wondering this whole evening. And...I'm not usually one to look a gift prince in the mouth. But..."

"But?" replied the Thunder Demon, laying his head on his date's lap.

"Well..." Ice Queen tried hard to form the right words. She knew she was walking on thin ice here (badum-dum tish), but her curiosity was starting to get the better of her. "You've heard all the stuff about me, right?"

"From what I do hear, you're evil, psychotic, cunning, obsessed with kidnapping princes and, to use Fionna's vernacular, 'always predatoring on dudes.'"

Ice Queen's cheeks turned an embarrassing shade of cyan and she made a mental note to freeze Fionna's treehouse once the date was over. "Well, yeah. All that stuff's true."

"And?" said the prince, grinning broadly.

"You know all that stuff and you still asked me out. Again, not complaining."

"Then what's wrong?"

"...Why?"

Jasso cocked an eyebrow. "Come again?"

"I'm not exactly what you'd call 'functional'." said the Ice Queen. "I mean, you know all this stuff about me...why date me? You know I could've easily kidnapped you at any time."

Jasso snickered and starting counting off fingers. "Four reasons...one, you're fiery, and I like that. Two, beneath that icy exterior is a girl desperately yearning for love. REALLY desperately." "Hey!" huffed the witch, playfully ruffling the boy's hair. "Three, the way you fight is globbing AMAZING."

Blushing even more now, the Ice Queen ran her fingers through Jasso's hair. "And four?"

Amidst the many snowflakes that were falling around them on the lake, one in particularly floated lazily down, yet deliberately, as though it had purpose. It landed on the tip of the Ice Queen's button nose and before she could blow it away, Jasso had lifted his head up and, boldly, licked it off with a coy look on his face.

"Four...you're really cute."

Ice Queen's cheeks were now a shining dark blue, her heart pounding harder and faster than Death's drums. Who WAS this kid to say such things about her? Was he insane?

"You're some kinda crazy, kiddo." was her genius reply as she turned away, still blushing.

The prince smirked and took Ice Queen's hand, squeezing it gently. "I'm 100% serious, Ice Queen. You're too amazing for words to properly describe. I've never met someone as perfect as you. And, I know it's just the first date and that we might be rushing WAY too fast into this, but...from what I hear, you REALLY want a husband..." Oh, yeah, Fionna was gonna wake up to frostbite tomorrow.

"But...I can't think of anyone I'd love more to be my side or spend more time with. So, what I'm asking is..."

Jasso pulled his hand away to reveal that, completely without her noticing, he had, electrokinetically, formed a ring on her finger, one of arcing electricity that crackled at random intervals.

"Will you be MY Ice Queen?"

* * *

><p>Aaaaaaaaaaand DONE... That was an ORDEAL. But a happy one. There's so many references and shout-outs in here, I wonder if you guys can spot them all. Read, review, give it a shot~? :3<p> 


	6. Disturb the Harmony Part 3

Here it is; the last part of this little story arc involving the questionable relationship between Jasso and Ice Queen. It's always sad to see an arc come to an end, but now I'll be able to provide you all the Finn/Marshall Lee craziness you all enjoy so much. Ready the ships~!

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>

Blah blah blah, Adventure Time isn't mine...so tired of typing that...~

* * *

><p>Golden eyes with red irises stared out of a high window in the Thunder Castle. These eyes belonged to one Prince Jasso, who leaned against the windowsill, head propped up on one arm and the other loosely hanging from his side.<p>

The prince's heart was heavy with anxiety and worry. Three days had passed since his date with the Ice Queen. While he thought the evening went well, she gave no immediate answer to his proposal, telling him that she would give her answer 'soon'. And here he was, waiting with all the patience of a sphinx, his mind clouded with thoughts of his beloved ice witch.

A knock on his door interrupted his silent brooding, his ever-faithful Bearwula, Ukit gingerly entering. "Good morning, Prince Jasso."

"Morning." replied the Thunder Demon without turning around.

The servant shuffled his tiny feet uncomfortably. "Forgive me for my intrusion, my liege, but you have a busy schedule today. The Fire Kingdom-"

"Is concerned about the escalating attacks of the Fire Wolves on their coal crops. Siphon off some of the electricity from the Mokrez Gorge to create a barrier around them; it should keep them out."

Ukit blinked. Never in his life had he seen or heard Jasso be so...professional. "Er, excellent suggestion, sir. Also, citizens are concerned about the coming storm from the northwest."

"It should dissipate before the day's end, but have the town's shield on standby ready to deploy in case it doesn't."

"O-okay. Also, the military forces-"

"Are concerned about the budget cuts in the weapon department. The money's been outsourced to train the medical staff. Focus their training on hand-to-hand combat until the medical staff is adequately trained. They could use the practice, anyway."

Ukit's eyes were wide as dinner plates now, the notepad he had been scrawling in hanging limply from his hand. "Master Jasso, are you feeling ill?"

Jasso, shook his head, still not looking at his close friend and continuing to stare longingly out the window. "I'm fine, Ukit. I'm just...wondering."

The tiny bear sighed, setting aside his notepad and pencil. "Sire, is this about...her?"

Jasso nodded, letting out a short sigh. "It's already been three days, Ukit. And she still hasn't given me an answer. ...Ukit...am I...undesirable?"

The Bearwula coughed suddenly, his cheeks bright pink. "Sir?"

"That was my first date in YEARS. And it flopped, I KNOW it."

Ukit walked over to the teen. Awkwardly, he placed a paw on his leg and rubbed affectionately. "Um, you're over-thinking things, my prince. Believe me when I say...you are...quite the catch."

After a short pause, Jasso turned to look back at Ukit, a bemused look on his face. "Really?"

"Without a doubt, sir. Perfect marriage material for a prince-happy psychotic ice witch."

Smiling for the first time since that night, Jasso picked up the Bearwula and hugged him tightly. "Thanks, dude. That means a lot."

* * *

><p>Ice Queen sighed as she stared out one of the many impressive windows of her castle. Though she couldn't possibly see it from here, she stared in the direction of the Thunder Kingdom, a small smile finding its way to her face as she recounted the events from three nights before.<p>

"Wenk."

Ice Queen turned to see Gina looking at her, flippers crossed and foot tapping. "Don't look at me like that." she huffed, turning back outside to gaze. "I said I'd give him my answer soon and I will. I promise."

"Wenk wenk wenk?"

"Of course I had fun. He was nice and funny and charming and REALLY cute. It was...great."

"W-wenk wenk wenk w-wenk?"

"I don't know why I'm waiting. I wanna see where this goes just as much as you do."

"...Wenk wenk?"

Ice Queen whirled around to give her right-hand penguin an incredulous look. "ME? Call HIM? But that...that's needy and desperate and sad and...and..."

Gina smirked. "Wenk?"

"...-sigh- Gimme the phone."

* * *

><p>Ukit, being the de facto leader of the staff that attended to the Thunder Prince, was in charge of a great deal in the castle. However, Jasso's sudden...effectiveness left him with nothing to do, a situation he never thought possible.<p>

Which is what left him in the massive library thumbing through ancient Bearwula combat techniques.

"Hm..." he mumbled, eyes looking over a passage describing a forgotten technique called 'the Armed Bearwula'. "Perhaps the troops should place more emphasis on the old ways."

_Rrrrriiiiiiiiing!_

Ukit jolted in his cushy armchair, Jasso's cell phone vibrating and ringing loudly in his pocket. The prince had entrusted it to the creature while he went off on an 'excursion' as he called it. Reaching into his coat pocket, he pulled out the lighting bolt-shaped phone and clicked a button.

"Hello?"

"Jasso?"

Ukit froze. That voice. He recognized that voice. That cold, chilling voice that, even when lax or overflowing with glee, still dripped malice and venom like a poised rattler.

"...Ice Queen?"

"Yeah, it's me. But...you're not Jasso, right? It's his bear-thing, Ukit."

Ukit frowned, puffing out his cheeks like he always did when he was mad. "Bearwula, ma'am. And yes, it is. To what do I owe the displeasure?"

"Wow, someone missed their morning honey, I'm guessing. Anyway, I'm calling for the prince. Know where he is?"

Ukit's fur bristled, but he calmed down, reminding himself that it wouldn't do to piss of the love of his master's life. "Forgive me, _ICE QUEEN_...but Prince Jasso is out at the moment."

"Grod!" hissed the witch, and Ukit swore he heard the sound of ice meeting ice in a tremendous, crashing explosion. The sorceress let out a breath. "Do you know where he is?"

"No."

"Do you know when he's coming back?"

Ukit smirked, enjoying his little moment of annoying the ice witch. "No."

Ice Queen let out a furious shriek, and this time, there was no mistaking the sound of the witch blasting a massive hole in the side of her castle. Stuffy as he was, Ukit had to hold in a laugh.

"Anger does not benefit the appearance of one such as fair as you, Miss Ice Queen."

Just as the royal was about to snap back a reply, three knocks sounded from her door. A sound that Ukit could pick up even over the phone, largely in part due to his big ears.

"Gina, will you get that?" hissed Ice Queen. "...Gina! Glob, I have to do everything around here. Hold on a sec, bear."

Ukit's fur bristled again. "Bear_wula_."

His ears picked up the sound of her setting down her phone. A few moments of silence passed...then a few seconds...then a few minutes...

After what seemed like an hour, the Ice Queen returned. "So...you don't know where Jasso is?" she said, with a hint of...was that mischief in her voice?

"Sorry, can't say that I do."

"Well then...sorry to waste your time." And with a _click_, she hung up.

Sighing, Ukit stowed away the phone, returning to his book. "Crazy old bat."

* * *

><p>Ice Queen held back giggles as she hung up. "Your caretaker's not exactly too fond of me, is he?"<p>

Slender, dark-skinned arms wrapped around her waist, their owners nuzzling his head into her soft neck. "Eh, don't mind Ukit. He'll grow on you long enough."

Ice Queen turned around to face Jasso, giving him a look that was both coy and amused. "I can't believe you ditched your kingdom just to come to mine." she purred.

The Thunder Prince sauntered off to a nearby sofa, plopping himself in. "Oh, I'd never ditch my kingdom. I just took care of my stuff for the day. Coming here was totally spur of the moment."

Ice Queen mock pouted, putting her hands on her hips. "So you didn't come back for little old me?"

"I didn't say that." winked the teen. Ice Queen giggled and made her way to the Thunder Demon, hopping onto his lap. "So..." he said, running his hands through her long, lustrous hair. "Have you given any thought to my proposal?"

There it was; the question she had been expecting since he showed up at her door a few minutes ago. Was it really happening? Was she finally getting a husband?

"You do know if you're just toying with me, I'll freeze you to death, right?" she said, a cross look on her face.

"Trust me." replied Jasso, pulling the sorceress more into his lap. "I'm not toying with you. I swear by my streak, I'm 100% serious."

Ice Queen held up her hand, where the electric ring still crackled harmlessly around her finger. As she stared at it, the memories of that first (and only) night they had together came rushing back. Pleasant memories that brought a smile to her face and warmed her icy heart. She looked at the hopeful face of Jasso, the only one to have shown her any sort of true love in her entire life. Who looked at her not with hatred or fear or disgust, but longing, happiness and excitement.

Her cheeks turned a faint cyan as she pulled the prince, HER prince into a long, lustful kiss. The act caught Jasso by surprise, though he quickly composed himself and leaned into it, wrapping his arms around the Ice Queen's neck.

After a moment that seemed too far short to the lovestruck prince, she broke the two of them apart, a wicked smirk on her face. "I guess I've been a bachelorette long enough. You got yourself an Ice Queen, kid."

* * *

><p>Ukit shuddered in his armchair, looking around the library nervously. While Jasso's absence unnerved him, he knew the prince was more than capable enough to care for himself. And yet out of nowhere, he felt a horrific feeling of dread creep its way up his spine.<p>

"I must remember to adjust the cooling of this room..." he muttered, pushing the feeling aside.


	7. Fourth Gear

And now the stage shall be set for a whole new set of twisted comedy. A major reason updating Mocha Dimensional took so long was becuase I wanted to make this so I could release Issues. Oh, you're gonna love that one...~ :3

* * *

><p>Finn dozed soundly in his bed, half-naked, a fully naked Marshall Lee draped over his arm. The blonde's dreams were filled with treasure, swords and rough, wild ceiling sex with Lee. You know, the usual.<p>

The duo's sleep was deep, but not deep enough that one didn't hear the clattering below them. Lee jolted awake, his red eyes shining. "Hello?" Of course, there was no answer.

Lee gently nudged his wife's shoulder. "Finn, did you hear that?" The hero only mumbled in response. Sighing, the vampire reached under the teen's scrawny frame and pulled a dark red sword from beneath him. "I'm gonna borrow your demon sword." The hero reflexively gripped the sword in his sleep, refusing to give it up. With a sigh, Lee tugged, trying to pry it from the blonde. After a few tugs, he grumbled and reached into the drawer, pulling out his halberd-bass. Using his epic vampire speed, he quickly swapped the two heirlooms, leaving Finn to cuddle with the weapon of mass rock and roll.

* * *

><p>Lee floated through the house, ears pricked up and alert for sound. It was silent for a while, then he heard clattering again. "The kitchen." he whispered. It couldn't have been Jake, since the dog was spending the night at Lady Rainicorn's place. It only meant one thing: an intruder.<p>

"I've been looking to get in some swordfighting practice." snickered the vampire, clenching the blade tightly.

As Lee entered the kitchen, he was treated to an odd sight. The fridge door was open, the pale yellow light barely illuminating the figure rummaging through it. Another odd thing about the figure...it was floating a good three feet off the ground.

"Marceline, you dummy." sighed Lee. "If you wanted a midnight snack, all you had to do was ask."

Jumping in surprise, the vampire banged her head against the door, letting out a yelp of pain.

"Ow..." she said, floating out of the fridge. "That really hurt..."

Lee snickered. "Aw, I thought Little Miss Punk Rocker liked a little pain. Not as tough as you think you are, huh?"

"I'm not Marceline." replied the figure in a soft voice. "It's me."

Lee cocked an eyebrow and flipped on the light switch. "Me, who?"

And when the kitchen became enveloped in pale yellow light, he knew who. He just couldn't believe it.

"Daddy, it's me. Gwynn."

* * *

><p>Finn's eyes were wide as dinner plates and he wondered if he was, in fact, still dreaming.<p>

Before him floated a vampiress. It wasn't Marceline, for Marceline didn't have messy, two-toned black and blonde hair that fell to her slim waist. Nor was her skin a light green that reminded Finn of kiwis. And while Marceline often dressed suggestively, she still dressed smartly; all this vampiress wore was a pair of shorts that barely reached mid-thigh and a plain white t-shirt, with (Finn noticed with a blush) no bra.

Marshall Lee stared at the mysterious woman, dozens of thoughts running through his brain. But there was only one he managed to voice.

"How did this happen?"

Gwynn shrugged. "I dunno. I woke up like this. One minute I was a baby, the next I'm an 18-year old. That's how old I feel, anyway."

Silence for a few minutes, then Lee floated downstairs, muttering something about getting a book. That left Gwynn and a very uncomfortable Finn alone.

"You okay, Mom?" inquired Gwynn, floating over to the stunned Finn.

Finn nodded dumbly, nervous about their closing proximity. "You look like you've got a fever." she said, placing a cool hand against Finn's forehead. As she did, her shirt slipped slightly, revealing more of her questionably large cleavage.

'Good glob.' Finn thought, unable to stop himself from glancing down slightly. 'What have we been feeding her?'

"Got it." came Lee's voice, much to Finn's relief. Floating up from the bedroom ladder came the king, carrying a large, leather-bound book, all black except for a red star in the center enclosed in a white circle. Emblazoned on its cover were the words 'Vampiridion'.

"Let's see." said Lee, opening the book and flipping through pages. "'The Color Orange and Why It's Bad For You...101 Best Sleeping Positions...Glamours...ah, here we go! Vampire Birthing and other Important Facts."

It was the same chapter they had used to make Finn pregnant in the first place. The chapter covered everything on how vampires could make and rear children. Since they were undead, they had to use a live party, which would only prove successful if the ritual was done properly.

Moving his finger down the page, Lee stopped and scanned a paragraph he was sure was not there before. "...Oh, glob."

"What?" Gwynn and Finn said in unison.

"'While the subject used for the birthing ritual can be a male or female of any race, complications can arise if the partner is human. Recorded side effects for the offspring have included immunity to sunlight, inability to consume the color red (see section 8 for tips on how to combat this problem), weakened regenerative capabilities or..."

Finn waited. "Or what, dude?"

Lee closed the book and stared solemnly at Finn. "Or accelerated aging."

* * *

><p>Gwynn floated lazily throughout the treehouse, looking down at her parents from below. Marshall Lee was poring through the book intensely as Finn twitched his thumbs in a nearby chair, a nervous look on his face.<p>

"When you say accelerated aging," asked Finn. "What exactly do you mean?"

"That's what I'm looking for." replied Lee, scrutinizing every inch of the book that dealt with the problem of accelerated aging. "Ah, here's something. 'Although rare, accelerated aging HAS been known to occur in human/vampire hybrids. While there is no known cure, the problem has been reported to solve itself. The offspring's age will reach a point where it stabilizes and proceeds at a normal rate.'"

Finn and Lee looked up at their newly-aged daughter, who was entertaining herself by doing loop-de-loops. "So...she stopped at 18?"

Lee shrugged, slamming the book closed. "I guess so. Chronologically, she's still only less than four months old."

The two parents sighed and looked up at their newly-aged daughter. Suddenly a thought crossed Finn's head. "Hey, Lee, can you guess what time it is?"

"Humor me, babe."

"18 Birthdays at Once Time!"

"Of _course_."

* * *

><p>Lee had to admit; Finn surprised him majorly today. Working like a maniac the moment the sun rose, he had sent out Prism Grams to every one of their friends throughout the Land of Ooo. The 18 Birthdays at Once Party was scheduled for the coming Saturday, with the now-teenage Gwynn eagerly awaiting.<p>

"Can you imagine their faces when they see her now?" snickered Jake as he swiped off some dust from their javelin collection.

Finn grinned back, flicking a spider off his framed Demon Heart. "Yeah, PB's gonna be all 'TWO Marcelines?' and Gumball's gonna flip. It's gonna be a blast."

The sound of the door opening alerted them both. They turned to see Marshall Lee floating in with a smarmy look on his face, hands laden with bags of party stuff and other things the boy and dog couldn't see. Following close behind him was a beet-red Gwynn, wearing a wide-brimmed brown sunhat to keep at bay the deadly rays.

"So, shopping was fun." said Lee, setting down the bags.

"Was _not_." squeaked Gwynn, covering her face with her hands. "Why did we have to go _underwear shopping _in the same day, dad?"

"Would you rather the boys at the party stare at your ta-tas the whole evening?" A pause. "On second thought, don't answer that."

Groaning, Gwynn floated off to her room, tossing her sunhat into a nearby corner. Finn watched her go and gave Lee a reproachful look. "That's mean what you're doing, dude."

Lee snickered as he took out rolls of streamers, some balloons and a few (non-sentient) piñatas. "Aw, c'mon, she knows I'm just messing with her. Besides, she won't be a teen forever."

Finn cocked an eyebrow.

"You know what I mean."

And so the trio set about dressing up the treehouse for Gwynn's 18 birthdays. Streamers were hung, balloons were blown up and Jake was warned not to eat the cake, as it contained chocolate and Finn would not travel to the Land of the Dead a third time to reclaim Jake's soul. Death was starting to get annoyed.

* * *

><p>Saturday eventually rolled around, and Gwynn was ecstatic with all the energy and delight of the four month old she formerly was. The plan was for her to simply act like any normal vampiress and keep the others guessing who she was and when the birthday girl would show up.<p>

First to arrive were Fionna and Cake, the latter toting in her hands something small in emerald green wrapping paper.

"Glad you two could make it." said Marshall, giving the adventuress a fist bump and scratching Cake behind the ears. "Just set that down anywhere."

"So, where is the little vamp anyway?" quizzed the calico, setting down the gift on a nearby table.

Lee and Finn shared quick, subtle grins. "Oh...she's around."

As if on cue, Gwynn came floating in, making Cake jump and hiss in surprise. "Who're you?" she snarled, adopting an attack pose. "Identify yourself!"

Gwynn made a mock pout, which was hard since she was trying so hard not to laugh. "Aw, Aunt Cake, don't you recognize me?"

The cat let out a curious meow as she took in the giggling vampiress before her. Her eyes settled on the immortal's hair; two-tone golden blonde and inky black.

"...G-Gwynn?" stuttered Cake, her eyes growing wide as saucers. "Baby, is that you?"

Gwynn nodded, unable to keep her laughter in any longer. Swooping over to the surprised cat, she scooped her up, hugging her tight. "Yeah, it's me!"

Fionna gaped openmouthed at the vampiress. "B-b-b-but what happened to you? You're...you're..."

"Hot?" smirked Gwynn.

"Yeah! I mean-NO! I mean...I dunno what I mean! Why do you look eighteen?"

And so Gwynn explained the situation that had led to her rapid aging. The two heroines listened with rapt attention, their jaws steadily falling to the floor.

"...and that's about it." Gwynn said, finishing her story.

Cake held her head in her hands, dizzy from all the crazy stuff she had heard in the last few minutes. "Whatever happened to the good old, simple days where boys just boinked each other and didn't use dark magic to make kids?"

"They flew out the window." Lee smarmily replied, wrapping an arm around Finn's waist. "Along with...other things."

"Oh, did NOT need to hear that." moaned Cake.

As the day rolled past, more guests arrived. Princess Bubblegum and Prince Gumball each flew in on their steeds, Lady and Lord respectively. Marceline came in her usual sun-safe attire, toting a large backpack that presumably held Gwynn's gift.

Ice Queen, to the uneasiness of them all, arrived with a large ice sculpture of herself as her gift. Made magically, she had (boisterously) stated that the statue would never, ever melt. Marshall, in private, promised Finn he'd toss it into the Fire Kingdom the next day and proclaim it 'disappeared'.

Jasso couldn't attend due to a day-long political meeting, but had sent over a large bouquet of Raisanthemums, gorgeous yellow and blue flowers native to the Thunder Kingdom that would crack beautifully with electricity and glow during a thunderstorm.

LSP showed up a good two hours into the bash, surprising everybody, since last anyone heard of her, she was running with a gang of mercenaries in the Hot Dog Kingdom. But that's a story for another day.

By evening, the party was in full swing. Fionna and Cake had promised not to spill the beans about Gwynn's condition, though they found the effort to be increasingly more difficult as the party raged on, especially when Gwynn, jokingly, started hitting on Prince Gumball. The look on his face would be forever engraved into their minds.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, someone had finally decided to ask where the birthday girl was.

"Okay, peeps!" said Finn, banging two frying pans together for attention. "LSP just brought up a really good point. I bet you guys wanna know where the b-day babe is, right?"

"Well, duh." scoffed Marceline, draining the red out of her fifth glass of punch. "Also, why'd you ask us to bring stuff for an eighteen year old?"

Lee smirked and raised a hand high, pointing to his daughter, who was still making fake goo-goo eyes at Gumball. "Would everyone please direct their attention to the two-toned vampiress eyeing Gummy Gum like a piece of meat?"

The crowd did, Gwynn waving as they turned to face her.

"Ladies, gentlemen and whatever the hell Marceline thinks she is..."

"HEY!"

"Give a big round of applause for our not so little girl, Gwynn."

Jaws were dropped, glasses were crushed in shock, Prince Gumballs were convulsing and Fionna and Cake, unable to hold it in anymore, burst into laughter, rolling around on the floor.

Immediately, the vampiress was bombarded by the partygoers. LSP was in absolute shock, but coherent enough to remark how 'lumpin' fab' Gwynn looked. Bubblegum was close to plucking a hair from Gwynn to examine it to see how she changed and Gumball was close to a seizure realizing he was being solicited by his best guy friend's supernaturally created daughter. Even if it was meant as a joke, he was now scarred for life. Something that Lee could graciously accept.

As night fell, it was finally time for Gwynn to receive her gifts. While it seemed like only yesterday they had brought her gifts for her birth, they were more than happy to shower her with presents again in so short a period.

Marceline, after the issue with the sword, opted for something with a bit more tact and gave her her old mace from her 'medieval' phase. The elder vampiress had tried her best to scrape the blood off, but Orc blood was STUBBORN.

Princess Bubblegum had brought her half of her wardrobe, which, to no one's surprise, was largely pink. Gwynn didn't complain, she wasn't crazy about pink, but she appreciated the sentiment.

Prince Gumball, who knew nothing about girls, bought her gift in the Cloud Kingdom; an antique porcelain teapot that would flash lights and play music if you said the code word...something that he had forgotten in his haste. But she was immortal; she'd figure it out eventually.

LSP gave Gwynn one of her old crowns from when she was a kid. It was old, rusted and a little dinged up, but the immortal took it with a smile on her face and a little tear in her eye, whispering a 'thank you' low enough for only the princess to hear.

Fionna and Cake had spent the entire period leading up to the party traversing all of Ooo for a very special gift. Cocking an eyebrow, Gwynn raised up the object; a small hilt with a trigger.

"So...what is it?" Gwynn said, tilting her head in confusion.

"Click it." smirked the blonde, folding her arms.

Gwynn did so, and from one end of the hilt burst the launch tube of a rocket launcher, shining black with silver racing stripes. From the other end swung out the blade of a blood-red katana, an eye pulsating in the center, sickly yellow and swirling around.

"Holy stuff!" Finn shrieked, jaw dropping at the sight of the twisted weapon. "What is THAT?"

Cake shrugged. "We found it when we were looming for her actual present. We were gonna get her a brooch, but we thought this would work better. Like it, baby girl?"

"I LOVE IT!" squealed the vampiress, retracting the double weapon and wrapping the two heroines in a bear hug. "Thank you, guys, this is AWESOME!"

Lee rubbed his temples in exasperation. "Why does every girl I know insist on giving my daughter weaponry?"

* * *

><p>And so, much later into the night after slices of cake, smashings of non-sentient piñatas and irresponsibly supervised rounds of Truth or Dare, it was time for the party to end.<p>

The guests slowly began filing out, saying and waving goodbyes to the birthday girl, who gave each of them a hug as they left. And, just to mess with him, Gwynn winked at Gumball as he left, making the prince shriek and scamper out of the treehouse, hopping onto Lord Monochromicorn for dear life.

Finn and Jake sighed, flopping onto a nearby couch, exhausted from all the festivities. Gwynn floated around her new pile of swag, the rocket-launching katana slung over her shoulder.

"Today was AWESOME." wheezed Finn, plucking his party hat off his head.

"Yeah." replied Jake, licking a stray dollop of buttercream icing off his nose. We need to have birthday parties for Gwynn like this more often."

BOOM!

Finn, Jake and Marshall Lee, who had been picking up all the trash from the party, whirled their heads to the sound of the explosion. A large gaping hole was in the side of the treehouse, and the launch tube of Gwynn's gift was smoking.

"...Oops." she said sheepishly, cheeks tinged pink. "Hair trigger."

* * *

><p>Heehee, yeah...~<p> 


	8. Issues

So, I saw a picture of what someone thought Marshall Lee's mom looked like and...my god, is all I can say. Well, not all I can say; she's the Ice Queen's only competition.

That's right, fanboys; come and get me~

Oh, and one little thing; this chapter goes out to **fullmoonwolf950**, who must be the female version of me floating around, and eats WAY more sugar and enjoys good yaoi just as much as I~

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><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>

Adventure Time isn't mine; I only own my OCs Gwynn and Jasso (so far)~

* * *

><p>It was a brisk, spring morning in the Land of Ooo. A gentle breeze wafted through the country and the sun shared its warmth with all who accepted it, the obvious exceptions being three certain vampires.<p>

One who was in the middle of a severe mental breakdown.

"Oh glob, oh glob, oh glob, oh glob..."

Finn, Jake and Gwynn watched as Marshall Lee zoomed back and forth across the treehouse, adjusting bookshelves, dusting counters and generally cleaning things in a mad frenzy. The blonde had never seen the vampire so fastidious, and he didn't even know what that word meant.

"Is Daddy okay?" queried Gwynn, giving Finn a concerned look. The hero shrugged; even when they weren't married, Lee was always hard to read. A mystery wrapped in an enigma, deep-fried in confusion and sprinkled with an even coating of what-the-glob.

Marshall let out an uncharacteristically girlish shriek, his piercing red eyes locked onto the doorway that was Gwynn's room. "We need to seal this! Now!"

"But why-" Finn barely finished before Lee raised his hands and began chanting in a dark, ancient language, black energy swirling around his fingertips. When he finished his chant, the door had shrunk and shrunk and shrunk until it was the size of a mouse hole.

"Meant to block it off..." muttered Lee, a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead. "But that works, too."

Curiosity overpowering his common sense, Jake stretched himself over to the immortal, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Okay, man, you've been acting weird all morning. What's going on?"

"...SHE'S coming." muttered Lee, with a sense of dread.

The pug blinked. "Who? Marceline?" Even though he was still a teensy bit scared of her, he wondered how the punk rocker could instill such fear and worry into the king.

Marshall shook his head. "No, worse. My mom."

A beat, and Finn and Jake burst into laughter while Gwynn broke out into a smile and clapped her hands. "Yay, Grandma's coming!"

"Pfft, that's why you're scared, man?" snickered Jake, wiping a tear from his eye. "Aw, the big bad Vampire King's scared of his mommy."

With a loud hiss, Lee's face split apart, one half turning into a werewolf with a bulging yellow eye and razor-sharp teeth, the other into a horrific mix between a cockroach and a bullfrog, mandibles clicking loudly. With a frightened yelp, Jake scurried away into his 'Vampire Safety Corner', which was really just a portion of the house where sunlight stayed the longest throughout the day.

"Dude, why're you so worried?" asked Finn, barely trying to hide the smile on his face. "Is your mom a neat freak or something?"

"Ugh, you've got no idea." groaned the vampire, gripping his head in exasperation. "Every day with her, it was like, 'Marshall, clean this mess up right now! I raised a vampire, not a werewolf!' or 'These skulls are just LYING all over the place!' or 'You can't just leave your corpses out in the open like this! and junk like that. I tell ya, the day I moved out was the greatest day of my afterlife."

Finn let out an 'Ooh' of understanding, realizing why Marshall had been cleaning the house since 1am. But then a thought struck him. "Wait, I thought she could only come to Ooo if someone summoned her."

Lee reached into the pocket of his standard black and red plaid shirt, pulling a small piece of paper from it. Unfolding it, he revealed it to be a calendar, with today's date circled three times in red marker. At least...it looked like marker.

"Normally, yeah." said Lee, handing the paper to Finn and Gwynn. "But today's one of the four days when Mars is in perfect alignment with Ooo, which weakens the barrier between this plane and the Nightosphere."

Finn shrieked in fear, jumping into the surprised Gwynn's arms. "You mean all the evil in the Nightosphere's gonna come and kill us?"

Lee shook his head. "I said weakens, not dissolves. Only the baddest of the bad'll be able to make it through. Like my mom." The night-walker shuddered, scratching his head nervously.

"...Why do I still feel like you're hiding something from me?" asked Finn, plopping out of Gwynn's arms and raising an eyebrow at the vampire. Lee's eyebrows shot up and he turned away from Finn, fidgeting nervously.

"H-hiding something? I'm not hiding anything."

Finn began tapping his foot, placing his hands on his hips. "Lee, what aren't you telling us?"

There was a brief moment of silence before Lee turned around, a coy smile on his face. Slowly, he floated over to Finn on his back. "You know, Finn..." he said mischievously, flicking the blonde's ear. "I never really noticed just how cute that bear hat of yours is..."

Shivering slightly, Finn swatted away the immortal's hand. "That sweet talk ain't gonna work on me this time. Talk."

Realizing he was trapped, Lee sighed and slumped in the air, staring up ashamedly at his wife and child. "Okay, you asked for it. ...My mom...doesn't know about Gwynn."

Stunned silence.

Finn's mouth dropped into a perfect 'O' of surprise and Gwynn was so shocked, she stopped floating, hitting solid ground with a soft 'oof'.

"She WHAT?" roared Finn, sending a rarely-felt twinge of fear into the vampire's unbeating heart. Jake, meanwhile, was laughing uproariously, safely protected by his little sunlit corner. "HOW could you not tell your mom she's a grandmother! What the math is WRONG with you?"

"Well, forgive me for not thinking things through as I was drawing a pentagram on your-"

Marshall Lee didn't get to finish, because at that very moment, the sky suddenly darkened, casting the treehouse in ominous shadow. Jake shrieked in fear and shrunk down to the size of a pea, quaking. Slowly, a circle appeared in the center of the living room, criss-crossing into the shape of a seven-pointed star with a PHIL FACE in its middle. The heptagram then burst into flame, a horrifically unearthly wail emanating from it.

"Aw, spit."

From the sigil's center burst an inconceivable mass of tendrils, organs, blood and bone, making horrible squelching sounds as it twisted and writhed upon the mark.

Slowly, the mass came together, coalescing into the form of a woman who appeared to be in her mid-30s. She stood in purple stiletto heels with thigh-high stockings striped pink and lilac, in a crushed grape skirt suit with a long-sleeved single-breasted 3-piece jacket. Her raven hair was tied in a simple bun with two thin sticks piercing the base. Her red eyes glittered with mischief as they scanned the room, locking onto a grumpy looking Vampire King.

"Marshall!" squealed the woman, rushing forward and wrapping the royal in a bear bug. "It's so nice to see you again! You look good, sweetie!"

Lee let out a nervous laugh and returned his mother's hug. "It's good to see you, too, mom. You, ah...you haven't changed a bit."

The woman giggled, tousling her son's hair. "Oh, sweetie, you're still so serious. I so rarely see you smile."

Lee, wanting to divert attention, gestured to Finn. "And mom, this is Finn, my...partner."

The blonde nervously waved at the vampire woman, trying to divert his eyes from her ample bosom. "N-nice to meet you, Lee's mom."

The woman laughed gaily, floating over to the hero, picking him up and holding him close to her chest in a tight embrace. "Oh, isn't he cute! I could just drain him dry~"

Lee sighed as Finn let out a shriek, his face turning bright red as his head was nestled perfectly into the woman's cleavage. "Mom, let him go. He's terrified."

The brunette turned to her son, pouting as she squished the hero tighter. "Aw, but he's such a cutie! Can't I hold onto him a little longer?"

"_No_, mom; now put my wife down."

Lee's mom blinked. "Ohh..." she said, gently setting down the blonde. "So _he's _the wife."

"What's THAT supposed to mean!" hissed the king, his forked tongue darting out between his fangs in a show of malice.

Lee's mom giggled, waving her son's outrage away. "Oh, come now, Marshmallow, I was only teasing."

Marshall's cheeks turned flaming red as Finn burst into laughter, clutching his sides. "M-Marshmallow? Oh, that's freaking hilarious!"

"Mom, I TOLD you never to call me that!"

While Lee fumed angrily, his mother's eyes finally took notice of Gwynn, who had been quietly and awkwardly trying to blend into the background.

"My, my, Marshall Lee!" exclaimed his mother, floating to the terrified vampiress. "Who's this pretty young thing? Don't tell me you and Finn are into…extramarital activities?"

Lee covered his face with his hands, letting out a long, drawn out sound that suspiciously sounded like "Please, Grod, kill me now."

The older vampiress floated around the younger one, sizing her up carefully. "She's not that bad-looking, though. She looks a bit like that girl, what's her name...Marceline!"

The brunette suddenly turned to Marshall Lee, a dark look in her eyes that made the immortal cower. "You two haven't..."

"MOM, NO!" screamed the bassist, face redder than all of Mars. "She's my...my..." Lee struggled to find the words, but was too gripped with fear to form coherent thoughts.

"Mistress."

Three pairs of eyes (four if you count the still mini-Jake) turned to Finn with eyes wide enough to split the heavens.

"Come again?" sputtered Lee's mom, as the immortal himself looked on the verge of having a seizure.

"Y-yeah." Finn said as Gwynn blushed fiercely. "She's Gwynn and she's Lee's...mistress. See, I'm an adventurer and I'm usually gone for long periods, so she...services Lee...while I'm gone."

Lee looked as if he was about to throw himself into the sunlight.

"He's very sexual."

A sort of strangled, gargling wail erupted from the Vampire King, thumping to the floor as his eyes rolled into the back of his head.

Marshall Lee's mom clucked her tongue, giving Gwynn an odd look. The vampiress looked away and tried with all her might to check to see if she had the power of invisibility yet.

"Well...she IS pretty cute. I suppose I can let this slide...IF you let me test her out."

Marshall Lee swore he heard the sound of glass breaking in his head. It was probably his sanity and well-being.

"I'm sorry." squeaked Gwynn, staring at her unknowing grandmother. "Do what now?"

The elder vampiress smiled reached her hand out, toying with a strand of Gwynn's naturally two-toned hair. "Well, I have to make sure you're right for my little Marshmallow." Gwynn shivered as the woman's hand drifted from her hair down to her side. "I've gotta make sure that everything's in...working order."

"Grandm-I mean, Mrs. Marshall Lee's mom!" squeaked Gwynn as the woman's hand curved around her firm apple bottom.

The woman placed a shushing finger to the two-tone's lips, licking her own hungrily. "Please...call me Lilliana. You'll be screaming that name soon enough."

"Okay, this has gone on the flop long enough!"

Marshall Lee, face red enough to make the planet Mars look pale, was glaring hard at his mom, fists clenched so hard his knuckles were white.

Lilliana blinked, her eyes darting between the terrified Gwynn and the furious Vampire King. "Oh, I'm sorry, dear." she said, gently pushing the two-tone towards her son. "Did you want to have a go first?"

"_NO, I DID NOT WANT TO HAVE A GO FIRST! THAT'S MY **DAUGHTER**!_"

The moment Lee finished, he instantly regretted it. He covered his mouth as his eyes widened in shock, Finn bugging out and Jake having long vacated the treehouse to seek shelter at Lady's.

"...What."

Lee squeaked as Lilliana ceased floating, dropping down to the floor with a loud 'thump', her heels digging into the wood. Her eyes narrowed, she walked over to her son, her heels ablaze and leaving dark purple embers forming the path she walked.

"Come down here, Marshall."

Hanging his head in shame, Lee floated down until he, too was on terra-firma. Though his mother was shorter than him by roughly 3 inches, even in heels, she still managed to radiate an aura of immense power that made his and Finn's blood run cold.

"When were you planning on telling me?"

Her question was so soft, Lee almost thought she hadn't said anything. He looked at her and was surprised to see a small tear forming at the corner of his mother's eye.

The sight of that lone tear made Lee feel something he hadn't felt in over 700 years: guilt. "Mom..." sighed Lee, wanting to diffuse the situation. "I...I was worried you'd be mad."

"Why would I be mad?" she replied, another tear spilling from her formerly dry eye. "How could you think I wouldn't want to see my own granddaughter?"

"Because...she's...four months old?"

Lilliana blinked, the corners of her eye still damp with tears. "What?"

"It's...kinda true."

The Lady of Evil turned around to see Gwynn awkwardly shuffling her feet in midair. "There was a problem with the birthing ritual and...my age accelerated last week. I just LOOK eighteen."

Lilliana whipped her head back to stare at Lee. "You used a birthing ritual?" She then pointed to Finn. "On HIM?"

Lee sighed. "We're both boys, mom; it's not like making a campfire."

"Let me see the book."

In a flash, Lee was gone and had returned with the Vampiridion. Lilliana took it, turning it over in her hands. "Lee?"

"Yes, mom?"

"You...DO know this is an old edition, right?"

Lee stared. "Say what?"

Sighing, the deathless woman flipped the book open to the front page and pointed a blood-red fingernail at what was written there. "Edition No. 2,367."

With a snap of her fingers, a book much like the Vampiridion appeared in Lilliana's hands, except it was light purple, the star was green and the circle enclosing it was blue. "THIS is the current edition, sweetie."

Lee's jaw dropped, making the vampiress smile slightly. "You used an outdated method, honey. Be thankful she stopped at eighteen, she could've stopped at 70."

Finn and Lee shuddered at the thought.

"So..." Lilliana said, turning to Gwynn with her hands on her hips. "I'm waiting."

Gwynn stared at her parents expectantly, who shrugged in reply. "F...for what?"

Lilliana huffed, a big smile growing on her face. "Come over here and give your grandma a hug!"

Smiling for the first time since the day started, Gwynn rushed into her grandma's arms, squeezing her tightly. "Grandma!"

"Gwynn!"

While the two women hugged, Finn was thumbing through the revised Vampiridion, looking for something. "Here it is!" he said, shooting Lee a dirty look. "I TOLD you the pentagram wasn't supposed to go there!"

Also smiling for the first time that day, Lee shrugged, enjoying the sight of Finn riled up. "It's an honest mistake."

"Honest mistake, my ass."

Lee chuckled and floated over to Finn, kissing him on the nose. "Exactly, silly."

* * *

><p>I wholeheartedly imagine Lee's mom to be a damn fine woman. Damn fine~<p> 


	9. Smarties

This little story was spawned when a buddy of mine and I were doing...something culinary that would've probably gotten us psychologically tested. The argument that PG and PB is vaguely similar to ours, except PG didn't knock PB upside the head with a skillet.

Pasty motherfucker. Love 'im, tho~ :3

* * *

><p>"It CAN'T be done!" came a prissy, masculine voice riddled with anger, the owner of it slamming his fist onto a silver lab table. "The thickness of the caramel would overpower the viscosity of the gelatin and turn it into nothing more than sludge!"<p>

"And I say it CAN be done!" snapped back a confidant, female voice, its own slamming her fist on the same table. "The two sweets would eventually blend together and more than double the taste sensations it would usually supply, as well as allow for greater molding!"

Prince Gumball and Princess Bubblegum were in the midst of an unfeeling heated argument involving the finer points of candy combination. The two were arguing over whether or not adding caramel to gelatin would increase its texture and flavor or destroy it completely as a dessert item. Watching the spectacle were Finn and Jake, as well as their female counterparts, Fionna and Cake. The four sat in the background, far away enough to avoid being drawn into the argument but close enough that they could enjoy it.

"Clearly all the time you've spent with that vampiress has messed with your brain, princess." jabbed Gumball. "Adding something as thick and gooey to something so soft like gelatin would be like trying to eat tar!"

Princess Bubblegum scoffed. "Puh-lease. Your narrow-minded worldview simply doesn't allow you to explore the possibilities of trying new things. Something a stuck-up little prissy-pantaloons like yourself would never get!"

Their audience 'ooooooohed' as Gumball sputtered indignantly, his face flushed. "'Stuck-up prissy pantaloons?' You take that back, you...you sugarless tart!"

"Oh, no he did NOT." said Cake quietly, munching on the popcorn she had brought along.

"How DARE you call me 'sugarless', you overgrown red vine!"

"Flightless pixie stick!"

"Soft-bellied snack cake!"

"Expired Swiss roll!"

"Dried-out gumdrop!"

"Chipbiting milkdipper!"

A collective gasp rose from the group as Gumball covered his mouth, shocked at the words, nay, the FILTH that flew from his lips. "You kiss your mother with that mouth?" scolded Cake, her eyes narrowed.

Ignoring the calico, Gumball clasped his hands together in a display of forgiveness as Bubblegum stared at him in a mixture of shock and fury. "B-Bonnibel, forgive me, I don't know what came over me. I swear, I-"

SMACK!

Gumball yelped, clutching the part of his face Bubblegum struck, a large imprint of her hand stinging painfully and shining brightly on the royal's sticky face.

"Candy canes." said Bubblegum in a dark tone. "Tomorrow. Dawn."

And with that, she turned on her heel, leaving behind a terrified Gumball and a confused quartet of heroes.

* * *

><p>"I'm an idiot. An absolute, total, 100% idiot."<p>

Marshall Lee took a sip of his coffee, a nonplussed look on his face. Only a few minutes ago, Prince Gumball had come bursting into his house, head in his hands, bemoaning his existence and repeatedly stating his apparent 'idiocy'.

Lee had been content to watch the prince pace around the living room and mutter sadly with mild amusement, but now it was starting to get annoying.

Lee sighed and motioned for Gumball to take a seat, which the prince did. "Alright, tell the Vampire King what's wrong."

Gently rocking back and forth in his chair, Gumball recounted the argument he and Bubblegum had earlier today. Marshall listened, or at least pretended to, taking occasionally sips of his dark roast.

"And I was just so FRUSTRATED with her that...I...said something very regretful."

The immortal took a long sip of his drink, waving away the prince's claim. "Oh, come on, I doubt it was that horrible."

"I called her a...chipbiting milkdipper."

Lee immediately spat out his coffee, nearly choking on it, his eyes having shrunk to the size of dimes. Gasping, he turned to Gumball, an incredulous look plastered on his face.

"Prince Bubba Gumball..." spoke the king solemnly, and the full name ultimatum alone made the younger royal quake with fear. "I've lived a long time. I've seen things. I've done things. HORRIBLE things. But I would rather streak through the Ice Kingdom and wait for the sun to rise before I would even THINK of using such awful, terrible language. You bad boy."

Gumball burst into a wailing sob, holding his face in his hands. "I know, I'm deplorable! And now she's called me out to a duel!"

Lee cocked an eyebrow. "Say what?"

"She slapped me with an open palm and everything." sniffled the candy teen. "We bear arms tomorrow at dawn. That's why I came to you; I need your help."

Lee sighed wistfully and floated backwards, hands behind his head. "I always wondered how _I'd _look with bear arms..."

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Hm? You say something, Bubba?"

"I'm doomed."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile...<p>

* * *

><p>The quartet of Finn, Jake, Fionna and Cake watched (in polite terror) as Princess Bubblegum practiced her fencing in the royal gym. Peppermint Butler was standing opposite her, just as terrified, his tiny arms laden with assorted fruits and vegetables.<p>

Bubblegum held a candy cane sword in her hand, gripping it tightly with a cold, determined look on her face. With a slow nod from her as confirmation, Peppermint Butler tossed the produce into the air and promptly jumped back several yards.

"HIIIIYAAAAHHHH!" went the cry of Bubblegum as she leaped into the air, slashing with furious but deliberate strokes. The candy sword sliced through the produce like they were made of paper, and when Bubblegum landed, so did a great many diced fruits and vegetables.

Cake's jaw dropped as the princess dismissed her servant for more things to chop up. "Since when could PB use a sword like THAT?"

"Remember that 'Girl's Night Out' thing we had a while back?" said Fionna, nervously pushing her fingers together. "Well, one thing led to another and I may have ended up teaching her how to fence."

"What?" screamed Finn and Jake in unison.

"But hey, she taught me how to knit in exchange." Ignoring their dumbfounded looks, she pulled from her pack a half-finished scarf, along with a pair of needles, and began knitting. "It's girly, but fun."

Cake hung her head in her hands, her tail starting to frizz out. "Gumball is one dead dude tomorrow. Isn't there something we can say to...y'know...get them to make up?"

Fionna paused in her knitting, giving her cat a look. "Cake, you heard what Gumball called PB. This is totally between them. If you ask me, she's being super-nice by giving PG a chance to fight for his life."

Silence befell the group, the only sounds breaking it being Princess Bubblegum's occasional slashing of things.

"You already started selling tickets, didn't you." said Cake, folding her arms and giving the adventuress a cross look.

Fionna smirked, not even bothering to hide it as she continued knitting, her fingers working deftly and skillfully. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

* * *

><p>Word quickly spread throughout Ooo of the impending duel. People from all over began flocking to the Candy Kingdom, eager to see two stuffy teens put the smackdown on each other. Even Death himself had decided to take a holiday to come see the fight, eager to see which royal soul he'd soon claim.<p>

People seemed to generally favor the princess, mainly because they were shocked and horrified at what the prince had said that lead to the conflict in the first place. The Party God himself had descended the night before the duel and personally told Gumball that he was banned from his next three parties. That was just cold.

Morning came, and there were so many people that had gathered to see the duel, it had to be moved to the special arena that was designated for such events: the Coliseum of Broken Face.

Finn, Jake, Fionna, Cake and Marshall Lee stood up in the box seats, gazing down at the cheering crowd below.

"Geez," said Finn. "I think everyone in Ooo's here. There's LSP...Choose Goose...Ice Queen...even Tree Trunks!"

Lee sighed from his dark corner, unable to venture further due to the large shafts of sunlight streaming through the towering windows. "Can you guys at least describe for me what's going on down there?"

Fionna nodded and peered down. "Well, neither of them are here yet...wait, hold the flan, someone's coming!"

From one end of the arena stepped a massive, imposing figure dressed in pink and black armor, dangerously pointy spikes protruding from the shoulders, kneecaps and elbows. In its hand it clenched a massive candy cane sword, the whimsical colors seeming sinister against the pink and black armor. A loud cheer went up around the arena as it stood, staring down the opposite entrance tunnel, awaiting its opponent.

Finn blinked. "I think a Spiky Person and a blender had a baby and it got lost and wound up here."

Fionna, instead, pointed a shaky finger at the figure. "That's Bubblegum!"

"The STUFF?" shrieked Jake, rushing against the window for a closer look. Using his awesome dog vision, he got a good look at the face hidden behind the mask's visor. Sure enough, he could make out the familiar, yet intense face of the Candy Princess.

"Wow..." whispered Cake. "She looks...scary." And even Marshall Lee had to agree. "And just a little bit _chk_ _chk_."

From the other end came, to a roar of boos, Prince Gumball, in his usual attire, looking all the world as though he wished he could crawl under a rock and pray for suffocation. "Why me?" he moaned, his candy sword hanging limply at his side.

The two crossed the arena until they were inches from each other. From her massive suit of armor, Bubblegum glared down hard at the terrified prince. "Are you ready to taste a shameful defeat today, Gumball?"

"No." was his squeaky reply.

"Too bad. 10 paces."

Without waiting for a response, Bubblegum turned around, as did Gumball, slowly walking in opposite directions. Eager to begin, the audience began counting down. "10! 9! 8!"

"I can't look." moaned Cake, covering her eyes and wrapping herself in her tail.

"I wish _I _could." huffed Lee.

"7! 6! 5!"

"Our Grod, who art in Glob World..." whispered Jake, clasping his hands together. "Please let Gumball's death be swift and painless, and also let him have left me his kitchen in his will."

"5! 4!"

Finn could only stare as two of his best friends moved further and further apart, Bubblegum looking as though she were about to split the earth in half and Gumball looking more terrified with each step.

"3! 2! 1!"

Princess Bubblegum stopped dead in her tracks, clenching her sword tightly and feeling her resolve bubble deep inside. She turned on her heel, ready to face Gumball...only to see him a good half a mile away, running for dear life.

"COWARD!" screamed the princess, chasing after the prince, her heavy armor clanking as she ran. "Come back here and fight like a man!"

"I'm not a man!" screamed back Gumball, his shrill voice seeming to carry from even so far away. "I'm a TEENAGER!"

"Freakin' LUMP him!" yelled LSP from the stands, pumping her fist in the air.

Up the box seats, the quintet stared as the armored Bubblegum chased after Gumball, screaming that she was going to cut his hair off and sew it into the lining of her purse.

"Shouldn't we try and stop her?" asked Cake.

"We could..." replied Lee, floating towards the exit. "Or we could go to the snack bar."

A few moments of silence, then...

"Snack bar it is."

* * *

><p>Yeah, it's just a little silly story for you guys to snack on. Read and review~? ;3<p> 


	10. En Fuego

_****_First off, a great big THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed, stuck around and faved this little story of mine; your words of support and encouragement (along with a few days of looking for good Marshall Lee/Finn yaoi) have kept me going. But I owe those who didn't look on my profile an explanation. Generally, I write all my stories on my iPhone. It was sweet, right up until the point the thing suffered catastrophic meltdown of Saigon-like proportions. Everything was gone; all my stories, notes for other stories, and my slash. That's why I haven't updated in so long. But I'm back now, and ready to destroy your minds all over again. The storyline has undergone a major shift, but there'll still be enough steamy humor for you all, with this chapter being a shining example of what happens when you combine drive and Twinkies...lots of Twinkies. Now, enough outta me; on with the show~!

In this episode, Marceline and Princess Bubblegum discuss moving in together, BMO takes a balloon trip around the world, and I shamelessly plug Ugly Americans~!

I may have to change the rating 'cuz of this chapter...~;3

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>

****I don't own Adventure Time. So shush~

* * *

><p>In the early months of their dating, Finn had gotten used to Marshall Lee waking him up when he wanted sex. Sometimes he got creative, like glamouring him and messing with his dreams, licking his earlobe or other ways. Usually they were subtle, and in the rare instances when Finn was too tired or not in the mood, Lee would back off, content to let his lover sleep.<p>

This time was different.

Marshall Lee wanted sex, and Grod on Mars, did he let Finn know it.

* * *

><p>Finn let out a rather girlish shriek as he was yanked from his bed and shoved against the wall of his treehouse. He only managed a squeaky "What the-" before his pajamas were torn off, quickly followed by his boxers, and a slippery, forked tongue was shoved down his throat.<p>

Finn's face instantly glossed into a fierce blush, which only deepened when he felt the Vampire King's cold, clammy hand grasp his member in a tight grip.

Finn moaned into Lee's mouth, his breathing erratic and heart pounding like a bongo drum. Lee was plenty amorous, but he was NEVER like this. Where was the smarmy teasing, the banter? Not that Finn was complaining...

Lee moved his thumb over the tip of Finn's penis, wetting it with the the tiny drop of precum that had formed and smearing it about the head.

Finn's knees buckled and he let out another moan, his body starting to glisten with sweat.

Lee let out a low, aroused hiss, a sound that made Finn's manhood throb. The vampire pressed a hand to the human's chest and dragged it down, leaving a trail of red marks down his torso. Finn grunted in a mixture of pain and pleasure, and again as Lee clawed his back, leaving another trail.

"Lee..." Finn managed to whisper breathlessly to his immortal lover. "What's gotten into you?"

"Shush." growled Lee, lowering himself down, leaving trails of red marks down the blonde's sides. "Talk after."

"A-after wha-OH _**GROD**_."

Finn's eyes bugged out as he felt Lee's lip slide over his swollen cock, his forked tongue flicking the tip.

It was then that Finn knew something was really up; Lee NEVER went down on him. At least, not without making him work for it.

Lee sucked hard, as if he was trying to drain Finn's soul through his penis. The hero mewled, digging his nails into the wall he was held against, his head swimming.

Finn jumped slightly as he felt Lee's sharp claws lightly tickle his balls while he continued blowing him. Finn panted heavily, his face drenched with sweat as his orgasm built.

"Don't..." Finn breathed shakily. "Don't...don't stop..."

Lee had no plans to, and so in tune was he with Finn's body, he could tell when Finn was right there. And just before the human released, Lee wrapped a hand around his testicles, giving them a firm squeeze.

Finn let out a yell of pleasure as he came, his load exploding across Lee's face. Thoroughly spent, Finn fell to the floor, panting and sweating, more sated than he had ever felt in his life.

That's when Lee grabbed him by the neck, spun him around and forced him on all fours.

"Now..." purred Lee, his blood-red eyes shining in the darkness. "It's MY turn to get off."

* * *

><p>Finn hissed in pain as he sat down on the living room couch, a bag of ice between his aching rump and the cushions.<p>

The morning sun streamed through the window, bathing him in its light. He was worried he'd never see the light of day again, considering all the things Lee had done to him the previous night.

The vampire's behavior still baffled him. He had no objections, but it was curious. He couldn't recall Lee ever having been so forceful, so dominant, so...creative.

That reminded him, he had to burn that can of whipped cream; they could never ever ever use it again.

His bottom feeling better, Finn stood and headed to the kitchen to get some breakfast, only to gasp at the sight of a very naked Lee lying on the kitchen table, smiling toothily at him.

"Morning, Finny Fin."

"H-hi, Lee." stammered the blonde.

"Ready to go another round?" he said, hopping off the table and walking towards the terrified Finn.

"What? B-but it's been less than 8 hours!"

Lee chuckled and snaked an arm around Finn's waist, giving his bum a firm squeeze. "Come now, Finn...you wouldn't dress that way if you didn't want it."

"I'm just wearing my normal clothes!"

With a fierce roar, Lee pushed Finn halfway across the room right into the couch, leaping after him. Before the blonde could even react, Lee held Finn's hands above his head, staring him down like a piece of meat.

"**I WILL TAKE WHAT'S MINE!**" he bellowed in a purely demonic voice.

"OH, MY _GLOOOOO_-"

* * *

><p>Lilith Abadeer yawned and stretched as she woke, running a hand through her dark hair. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she rolled out of her plush, blood-red, four-poster bed and made her way to the closet. She opened the door...and shrieked.<p>

Finn sat crouched in the fetal position amidst her shoes, skirts, blouses and other lady wear, clutching the Demon Blood Sword for dear life. His bear hat was gone and his long, blonde hair was messy and frizzed. He was sans his favorite green backpack, and his shirt was ripped and torn in several places. His shorts were absolutely shredded, as was his underwear, and he was missing a shoe.

Lilith stared in shock at the terrified human, a multitude of questions running through her mind. This was the last thing she expected to see before she began her morning ritual of torturing those banished to the Nightosphere.

"Alright." said Lilith, crossing her arms. "First thing's first; why are you in my closet, second, why do you look like a hobo and three, were you planning on trying anything?" Lilith self-consciously smoothed out the hem of her crushed plum nightgown. "'Cuz I can put on something sexier."

* * *

><p>After Finn told Lilith about the events that transpired the previous day and a half, the Lady of Evil stared at him with wide, yet knowing eyes. The human boy was in a bad way, shivering uncontrollably and rocking back and forth, the Demon Blood Sword clenched tightly like a security blanket.<p>

"Hmm..." she said, rubbing her chin. "Finn, how much do you know about vampires?"

Admittedly, he didn't know all that much, despite being married to Lee for almost a year. All he really knew was the usual vampire stuff, like thy cast no reflections, hated sunlight, occasionally drank the color red, etc.

"Well, there's something else about vampires you should know...something I REALLY should've told you about last visit."

Lilith motioned for Finn to come out, ensuring that he was safe here. The Nightosphere is the last place Lee would think to look for his conquest, especially in his mother's palace.

"You, see, Finn..." Lilith began, gently putting a hand on his shoulder. "There are certain periods in a vampire's life when, after obtaining a mate, that their libido sort of goes into...into..."

Lilith bit her lip, eyeing Finn nervously. She really didn't feel comfortable having this talk with her son-in-law, but if she didn't, he wouldn't be able to prepare himself for what was to come. Sucking it up, she took a deep breath and stared hard into Finn's eyes.

"Simply put, Lee's in heat."

Finn's eye twitched slightly, but he didn't respond past that. He just stood stock still, fear roiling about in him like shaken cola.

"Aaaaaaand..." continued Lilith, hoping to get this over with as possible. "He will be for about 3 weeks or so."

Finn's shoulders slumped as this new information sunk in, images of Marshall Lee hunting him down like a lion hunts gazelle flashing through his mind. "What do I do?"

"Oh, there's nothing you can do." said Lilith, patting Finn's back. "Lee's gonna find you eventually, and when he does, well...be thankful you've got a hero's stamina."

* * *

><p>Night had fallen in the Land of Ooo. Finn gently opened the door to his treehouse, taking great care to look around for any sign of Lee. Finding none, he opened the door wider and stepped inside.<p>

The second his foot touched the floor, Lee descended from the roof like a schizophrenic spider, hoisting up Finn by his underarms and pinning him to the ceiling.

"_**YOU.**_" he growled, in a low voice that bled with arousal.

"Wait, Lee," stammered Finn. "Before you tear me up good, hear me out."

Lee's eyes narrowed and he relaxed his grip on Finn, though he still kept them upside-down, straddling the blonde and holding his arms above his head.

"You have five minutes."

"Th-thanks." squeaked Finn. "Anyway, I talked to your mom earlier today. She told me what's going on with you."

Lee's face instantly went bright pink, and his grip on Finn's wrists slacked slightly. "Y-you did?"

"Yeah. Why didn't you just tell me this was gonna happen?"

Lee looked away in embarrassment, and Finn couldn't help but admit that even though he was in the hands of an insanely amorous and hormonal vampire, he looked so cute like that.

"It was humiliating, that's why. I didn't want you to think I was some crazed sex-fiend."

Finn giggled. "Lee, you ARE a crazed sex-fiend."

And before Lee could shoot back a reply, Finn leaned forward, pressing his lips against Lee's in a quick kiss.

When he broke it, Finn stuck his tongue out playfully at the dumbfounded Lee. "But I like that about you, dude."

"Aw, Finn." cooed the Vampire King, nuzzling the hero's neck.

"That being said, I want us to switch places every two hours. And I want a back rub after every sesh."

"...Deal."

* * *

><p>Damn, it feels good to be back~ 3<p> 


	11. Musings of the Not So Uptight

Something small and silly that hit me at around 2AM. I had to upload, or somehow, somewhere, I'd be depriving someone of smut, and I just can't have that~

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>

Adventure Time isn't mine.

* * *

><p><em>Jasso shivered as he felt the razor-sharp fangs of Marshall Lee delicately glide across his neck. Though he knew the vampire wouldn't bite him, the feel of them against his skin filled him with fear. Lee felt that fear, and it turned him on. BAD.<em>

_"S-stop..." whined Jasso, squirming in Lee's grip. But the elder royal paid no heed, pinning Jasso's hands to the wall of his room._

_"Why should I?" he purred in the Thunder Prince's ear. "It's not as if you don't like it."_

_Slowly, the Vampire King took both of Jasso's wrists in his hand, pinning them above his head. One hand free, he moved it down Jasso's chest, down to the waistband of his pants, his green hand finding its way into his underwear._

_"Don't!" yelped the demon, his eyes wide with fright. Oh, how Lee loved it when he resisted._

_The immortal's hand gave Jasso's cock a firm squeeze, at the same time, he licked his ear; the demon's most powerful erogenous zone._

_"Oh, Grod..." mewled Jasso, feeling his knees go weak. "Lee, p-please...what about Finn? What about Ice Queen?"_

_"Shhh..." smirked Lee, winking at the terrified prince. "They don't ever have to know. I could just keep you here, all to mys-"_

* * *

><p>The sound of footsteps kicked in Princess Bubblegum's hidden ninja reflexes; quick as lightning, she stowed away her journal and pencil beneath her pillow and pulled the covers over herself to imitate sleep.<p>

Her bedroom door opened just a crack, Peppermint Butler peeking his head in, looking about the room. Shrugging, he closed the door, making sure to turn off the hallway light.

"That was close..." whispered Bonnibel, giggling to herself and blushing, clutching her forbidden journal of boy/boy to her chest. "Too close."

* * *

><p>See you all next time~ ^_~<p> 


	12. SitarOcarina

A little side arc that I had in my head for a while but never thought would take off. Trying to keep it a short and sweet two-parter. If you can guess why I named the title as such, you win a free cake! Or something. Haven't really worked that out yet~

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>

Adventure Time isn't mine. Thanks for reminding me.

* * *

><p>Jasso and Ice Queen stood apart from each other in an arena deep within the Ice Castle, glaring each other down with determined looks on their faces. Gina, as well as a few other penguins sat up on nearby bleachers, a few munching on popcorn, and some even eating hot dogs. Where they had gotten them, neither royal knew.<p>

"Sure you're ready for this?" smirked Ice Queen, getting into a battle stance. Her blue-white eyes blazed with intensity, and she seemed to radiate a battle aura that could burn through the stratosphere.

"I was born ready." was the prince's reply, folding his hands one on top of the other a few inches in front of his chest.

"Then bring it! Stars of Frozen Rain!" Faster than the eye could track, Ice Queen made a quick series of hand seals, a Chinese star of ice appearing in-between the spaces of her fingers. With a battle cry, she thrust out her hands, the stars screaming towards the Thunder Prince.

"Fenrir Fists!" hollered Jasso, running throw his own set of seals. Ice formed over his fingers and in seconds, he had created claws of ice, each about six inches long.

Letting out a quick breath, he swung his hands as hard and fast as he could, shredding apart the Stars of Frozen Rain seconds before they reached him.

"Nice," remarked Ice Queen, readying her hands for another technique. "But you'll have to do better than that!" With that, she leapt into the air, her hands a blur. "Roar of the North Wind!"

She held her hands out in an X-formation and swung them, two crescent-moon shaped waves of ice hurtling at Jasso.

"Oh, Thunders." Thinking quickly, Jasso jumped back, forming his own seals. "Mirror Mirror On the Ice!"

The Thunder Demon slammed his hands on the ground, a massive mirror of ice bursting in front of him. The Roar of the North Wind attack flew into the mirror, absorbing it completely. A flash of light, and the attack burst from the mirror, flying at Ice Queen at twice the speed, twice the size and twice the power.

"Not bad, honey." she said, raising a hand. "Snow More!" Forming a seal, her eyes flashed blue, and the Roar of the North Wind disappeared in a flurry of snowflakes.

Jasso gaped openmouthed as Ice Queen landed gracefully with a spin, bowing to the applause of her penguins. "How...how did you DO that?!"

"I'm a Fridjitzu Master, silly." giggled Ice Queen. "I know tricks you can't even imagine."

"Really?" replied Jasso, smirking and readying a seal. "Even...Yeti's Hammer?!"

"Northern Tower." said Ice Queen coolly, raising a hand. From her fingertips burst a beam of pure ice energy, blowing apart the massive cube of ice that was bearing down on her head.

Ice Queen smirked and put her hands on her hips, smiling at Jasso's shocked expression. "Got anything else?"

Jasso desperately turned to Gina, who shrugged in response. "Wenk, wenk."

"Well," said the prince, grinning. "I have one trick left."

"I'd love to see what you've got up your slee-"

In a flash of lightning, Jasso had zoomed across the arena, pinning Ice Queen to the wall. At her shocked glare, he merely smirked.

"You brat! You cheated! You promised you'd only use Fridjitsu!"

A quick kiss on the nose silenced her, making her blush. "All's fair in love and war, Ice Queen."

The ice witch playfully punched the Thunder Demon on the arm when he released her, a smile on her face. "Dork."

"Yes, but I'm YOUR dork." was Jasso's reply, nuzzling his queen's neck and purring.

"Wenk, wenk w-wenk wenk wenk!" cried Gina, making gagging noises and pretending to stick a flipper down her throat.

"If you don't like it, the door's right over there!" snapped Ice Queen, hugging Jasso close.

A loud beeping sound made Jasso flinch. Reaching into his pocket for his phone, he flipped it open. "Message from Ukit." he said, answering Ice Queen's stare. "Hmm...hmm...oh...oh, my Gob!"

"What's wrong?!" cried Ice Queen.

"Um, well...there's something important I forgot to get together and Ukit's pretty mad."

Ice Queen raised an eyebrow. "Then why isn't he calling you?"

"He...haha...he gets pretty belligerent when he's mad and on the phone at the same time."

"So what's so important?" asked the sorceress, walking up the stairs to the main floor, Jasso following.

"It's nothing that important, it's just regarding the dodgeball tournament next week."

Ice Queen froze. "Dodgeball?"

"Yeah." said Jasso dismissively, making his way to the Ice Queen's recliner. "It's this tradition thing that dates back to when the Thunder Kingdom was just a village."

"Wenk wenk?" said Gina, coming up from the basement, drinking a slushie.

"What, you wanna hear the story?" cooed Jasso, picking up the penguin.

"Wenk." she shrugged, taking another sip.

"Okay, then. A long time ago, when the Thunder Kingdom wasn't even a kingdom, dodgeball was a great part of settling debates. Whether it was about property, honor or just for fun, dodgeball was the go-to way to fix anything."

"But why dodgeball?" asked Ice Queen, rummaging through the fridge for a snack.

"When you can move at the speed of lightning and blast holes through sheetrock with the snap of your fingers, you have to find sports that require less contact."

"True."

"Now, then," continued Jasso. "Legend dictates that one day, an argument broke out amongst the entirety of the nation. No one can remember what it was about, but supposedly, it was HUGE."

"The elders were unanimous; a massive dodgeball tournament was to be scheduled, to determine who was right and who was wrong. The match reportedly lasted days; so long, in fact, everyone forgot what they were fighting about. From there was born the Gauntlet of Jupiter."

Ice Queen raised an eyebrow. "Gauntlet of Jupiter?"

"We're not that good with names." chuckled Jasso. "Anyway, we hold the tournament every year, and I totally forgot about it until now. I've got around a week to set everything up."

"Will you be okay?" asked Ice Queen, pulling out a pudding pack. "Yeah, I should be able to get everything together. But my current generation isn't exactly a dodgeball A-list."

Ice Queen rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "Well...why not ask the others?"

"...Not a bad idea." murmured Jasso thoughtfully. "But you think they'll go for it?"

* * *

><p>"Are you KIDDING?!" shrieked Fionna, shaking the terrified Jasso by the shoulders. "I LOVE dodgeball!"<p>

"When's the tourney?!" squealed Cake, bouncing up and down.

"N-n-n-n-n-next week!"

"We'll be there, we'll be there!"

* * *

><p>Marceline looked up from her bass, a bemused look on her face. "Dodgeball? Really?"<p>

"Yeah." shrugged Jasso. "Interested?"

"What color are the balls?"

"...Red?"

"Alright, I'll go."

* * *

><p>"Pigu? Geu jaemi deulli neyo... Jeikeugadoemyeon naega galgeyo." (1)<p>

Jasso stared at Lady Rainicorn, a single bead of nervous sweat rolling down his brow.

"Eum ... geogjeonghaji masibsio. Naneun jeikeuege mul-eo geoya, geuligo nan geuga geulaessdago hal geobnida." (2)

"Meosjin! Naega sikineundaelo allyeojusibsio. Da-eumju yeonju gidalil su eobs-eo!" (3)

Jasso bowed and turned, making sure to cover his nose to hide the blood that was dribbling down his nose. A fun little trick that experienced Thunder Demons could do; by manipulating the electricity within themselves, they were capable of incredible feats, from bolstering their endurance to the typical skill of moving at the speed of lightning. A lesser-known skill was, by zapping their own brains the tiniest bit, they could increase their intelligence level exponentially. In doing so, for this shining moment, Jasso was able to converse with Lady.

But GOB, it hurt...

* * *

><p>"Dodgeball?" exclaimed Princess Bubblegum. "But that's so...barbaric!"<p>

Jasso shrugged. "If you don't wanna go, I won't stop you."

"I never said I wouldn't go."

"But...you JUST said it was barbaric."

Bubblegum rolled her eyes and smiled. "That doesn't mean it's not _fuuuuuun_..."

* * *

><p>"Is Bubblegum going?"<p>

"Yeah, sure."

Prince Gumball smiled evilly, pushing up his safety goggles in a way that the light shined off them dramatically. "I'll be there."

* * *

><p>"Like, dodgeball?" asked LSP, raising an eyebrow. "What's that?"<p>

Jasso's jaw dropped. "You've NEVER heard of dodgeball? Have you been living under a rock?"

The princess frowned and gestured widely with her hand the campsite around she and her fellow royal.

"Oh. Sorry, wrong choice of words."

As efficiently and clearly as he could, Jasso explained, in great detail, the honor, spirit and glory of dodgeball.

"Hmm..." said LSP, rubbing her chin. "Are there gonna be prizes?"

"...Sure?"

"Then I'm in."

* * *

><p>Ukit lowered his book, giving his liege a frown. "No."<p>

"But Ukit..."

"Prince Jasso, you ask me EVERY year if I want to go and EVERY year I give the same response: no." The Bearwula wrinkled his nose. "I have far better ways of spending my time that engaging in that childish bloodfest you call a sport."

"But it's fun! I've seen you come out to watch me play!"

"I watch you to make sure no one tries to KILL you, sire."

"That assassination attempt was proven false!"

"There was C4 in the ball."

"WET C4!"

Ukit growled, anxious to get back to his reading. "Why are you trying so hard this year?"

Jasso, deciding to put on some charm, did a soft pout and widened his eyes. "Because this time I have actual friends, Ukit. Last year I didn't know PB and PG and Finn and Jake and Marshall Lee and Marceline and I didn't have Ice Queen and-"

"Alright, alright!" said Ukit, raising a paw for silence. "I'll go."

Face instantly retuning to normal, Jasso jumped up in the air, a big smile on his face. "WHOO-"

"But JUST this year."

"...Hoo."

* * *

><p>Evening was falling, and Jasso found himself at Finn's house, asking the group of Finn, Jake, Marshall Lee and BMO to the game. Marshall Lee was milling about the kitchen, making himself a sandwich while Finn and Jake were busy playing a game on BMO. Jasso had figured that Finn, being such a gung-ho adventurer, would be all for it.<p>

He was, surprisingly wrong.

"What do you mean you don't wanna go?!" exclaimed Jasso, eyes bugging out at Finn's refusal.

"Like I said, man, dodgeball's not really my thing." Finn paused in his speech, entering an extremely complicated command into BMO to pull off a sweet combo move. "It's kinda silly when you think about it; people throwing balls in each other's faces."

"You don't complain when we do that." muttered Lee under his breath, though not low enough for everyone to avoid hearing it. He smirked as he dodged the thrown couch cushion from a furiously blushing Finn.

"Okay, see, THAT'S what I'm talking about!" said Jasso, taking the lemon Marshall offered him. "You've got a GREAT arm!"

"Don't I know it." grinned Lee, not even bothering to keep his voice down on that last comment.

"Lee, don't think I can't kill you just 'cuz I'm playing a game."

Jasso huffed, peeling the lemon and taking a bite from it. The citric acid revitalized him; a welcome snack that recharged him from all the running around he had been doing across Ooo. Finn was a good friend, and he REALLY wanted him to attend the tournament. But he, for whatever reason, wouldn't go. BMO was. Jake was. Even Marshall Lee was, if only to mess with Prince Gumball and drain a few of the balls-DODGEBALLS!

This left the prince with one option.

Jasso, allowing himself a sly grin, shrugging, slowly making his way to the door. "Well, if you don't want to go, that's your choice, Finn."

Finn smiled. "Thanks, dude."

"I mean, different strokes for different folks, right?"

"Exactly right, dude!"

"And I'm sure you'd go even if you weren't scared of losing."

"Glad you're so understanding-WHAT."

_Beep _went the sound of the game pausing as Finn turned to glare at Jasso, who had one foot out the door.

"Hm? Did I say something?" asked the Thunder Prince innocently.

"WHAT did you just say?"

"Oh, this is gonna be GOOD." whispered Lee, floating next to an equally anxious Jake. BMO put the game into sleep mode, an eager look on his face as he watched the show.

"Hey, it's cool if you are." said Jasso, milking the situation for all it was worth. "I mean, I'd be afraid to fight everyone, too. Especially Fionna."

Finn's face flashed pink in embarrassment, BMO letting out a low '_Ooooooooh_' as Jake held back laughter.

"You think I'm scared of Fionna?"

"Well, not just her. There's Marcie, Ice Queen...LSP."

"I'm not scared of anyone or ANYTHING!" yelled Finn, embarrassment quickly shifting into anger. "I'll be there, and I'll kick everyone's butts! You'll see!"

Jasso raised an eyebrow, though on the inside he was laughing his ass off. "Are you sure? I mean, you said yourself a few minutes ago that dodgeball wasn't your thing..."

"Yeah, well next week, I'll show you. AND Fionna."

"Well, alright then." said Jasso, waving goodbye. "See you all next week." And with that, he left, making his way back to the Ice Castle, his reverse psychology having gone off without a hitch.

"Works...every...time~"

* * *

><p>(1) Dodgeball? I'm not entirely sure. I'll go if Jake goes.<p>

(2) Um...don't worry. I'll ask Jake and I'm sure he'll say yes.

(3) Wonderful! Let me know what he says. Can't wait to play next week!

I cannot speak a lick of Korean (outside from the lyrics of Genie Tell Me Your Wish and Run Devil Run, both of which are HUGE stretches), but I wanted to have a one-on-one convo with Jasso and Lady Rainicorn that would lay some foundation for more interactions with them in the future. So I used the Google translator. Which more than likely butchered it with its **GD** transliterations. Either way, enjoy this prelude to rubber-balled hell~^^


	13. SitarOcarina2

No, I'm not dead. I've just been going absolutely fucking crazy dealing with school, my asshole parents and generally trying to so much as get a good night's sleep at large. I just really needed a break to try and concentrate on stuff that wasn't school related so I wouldn't end up base-jumping without a parachute. I'm still here, and Mocha Dimensional's not going anywhere.

And you can all thank **BigSlayerGuyMan**, because not only did he inspire me to get off my lazy, fat ass, but he proofread the new chapter. so enjoy it, all, and though the updates will be infrequent, I promise you won't have to wait seven months for the next one~

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> Adventure Time isn't mine~

* * *

><p>The days leading up to the tournament rolled quickly by. All those invited had been through rigorous intense training. The Jupiter, having no rules (except for homicide), allowed those who were participating to use any skill, technique or fighting style they so chose. Ice Queen was fine-tuning her Fridjitsu, Finn and Fionna were mastering their swordplay, Marceline and Marshall Lee were getting together their musical instruments, Gwynn was...no one was really sure what she was doing for preparation. No one had seen her since the day she was invited.<p>

And of all those who were training, Finn was at the top of the list. The hero trained night and day, perfecting all of his necessary dodgeball skills; throwing, catching, deflecting, endurance, the whole shebang.

And every time he thought he'd had enough, he repeated his mantra: "Fionna's going down...Fionna's going down..."

* * *

><p>The sun hung high in the sky, making the Thunder Kingdom shine brighter than normal. The streets were filled with Thunder Demons and Bearwula alike heading towards the arena, all eager to see the dodgeball deathmatch. Everyone was especially eager to see it, because, for the first time in Thunder Kingdom history, non-Thunder Demons would be participating; two of them being the last humans in the world. Needless to say, there was tons of hype.<p>

Jasso and Ice Queen rode the elevator leading up the large tower to the arena where the Gauntlet of Jupiter was to take place. The two had been practicing their skills like mad, despite the fact that they might not even be in the same team when the time came. But they promised each other that no matter what, they'd fight their hardest, regardless of how much they loved each other.

But they DID have a little side bet that whoever lost would be on the bottom that night.

"So..." said Jasso, absentmindedly toying with a strand of his jet-black hair, running a finger through the electric yellow streak. "Ready for this?"

"You know it, babe." responded Ice Queen, smirking.

Throughout the entire training sessions, the Ice Queen's bravado or confidence never shook once, not even when Jasso regaled her with tales of near-death experiences some Thunder Demons suffered in the game.

"That's what I wanted to hear." nodded Jasso, winking.

The elevator finally stopped, Ice Queen taking a moment to look out the window. "Wow..." she whistled. "Loooooong way down."

"It adds to the fun." said the younger royal, stepping out of the elevator.

The arena, known as the Kirin's Eye, was massive, about twice the size of the ground floor of the Candy Castle. It was completely circular and enclosed by a glass dome, with hundreds of seats on either side of the great battlefield, protected by a huge wall of glass. An announcer's booth stood on the far end, also enclosed in glass. As Jasso and Ice Queen stepped through, the audience erupted into loud cheers, from both Thunder Demon and Bearwula.

"Ice Queen!" "Ice Queen!" "Ice Queen!"

"Wow." giggled the sorceress, blushing. "I had no idea I was so popular."

Jasso snaked an arm around the elder royal's waist, grinning. "Being engaged to me helps a lot, too."

"Ladies and gentlemen!" suddenly boomed a massive voice from nowhere. All eyes turned up to see that a rather tall and muscular Thunder Demon had taken the mic. He wore a simple blue and green suit with black pants, and large black sunglasses.

"It's a beautiful day for dodgeball, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?!"

The audience roared in agreement, every soul in their seat eager to see some bloodshed.

"Hoo, yes! I can feel the dodgeball fever in here, I tell ya! This is your man Joltastic providing you with color commentary, sublime and in real-time! First off the elevator, our great Thunder King-to-be, let's hear it for our main man, Jassooooooooooooooooo!"

The crowd cheered as Jasso rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment, not used to so much attention.

"And on his arm, the frigid goddess of Ooo and our future Lady in Lightning, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE Queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!"

Cheers, and even a few wolf-whistles burst from the crowd, Ice Queen waving and blowing kisses, completely unembarassed by the attention.

"I'm liking this so far." grinned Ice Queen.

"Alright, dodgeball enthusiasts, we've got a special treat for all of you! No doubt you've heard by now that this is gonna be the first Gauntlet of Jupiter in HISTORY to feature non-Thunder Demons OR non-Bearwula!"

The _whoosh_ of the elevator door made Jasso and Ice Queen whirl around. Dressed in a sleeveless, grey tank top, skinny black jeans and her usual sunhat was Marceline, her axe bass slung over her back.

"Hey, dweebs." she smirked, winking.

"Speak of the devil!" whooped Joltastic, gesturing to Marceline. "We bring you the first newcomer to the dodgeball scene, you all know her as the sexiest scourge in all of Ooo, Marceline, the Vampire Queen!"

Marceline smiled, plucking her bass off her back and strumming a few chords, charging up the audience even more.

"Showoff." scoffed Ice Queen, rolling her eyes.

Off the elevator stepped three more people, all astride Lady Rainicorn. The audience ooo'd and aaa'd at the sight; no one had ever seen a Rainicorn, and the crowed was wowed at the colors and beauty of Lady.

Jake sat atop her neck, both his hands morphed into giant '#1s', pointing them at he and and Lady. Upon his head was BMO, smiling and waving to the crowd. And behind them sat-floated LSP, a determined look on her face.

"Well, look at all of that!" howled Joltastic, eyes widening behind his sunglasses. "Quite the menagerie of characters we've got on tap for today!"

Jasso rushed over to Jake, a concerned look on his face. "Jake, where's Finn?"

"He'll be here, chill. He said he had some stuff to do."

"To those of you unfamiliar, that, ladies and gents, is a Rainicorn, and a rather beautiful one, at that!"

Lady blushed, turning her head sheepishly. "A, geuman, ansaeg-i an joh-eunde. (Oh, stop, I look terrible.)"

"And on her back, if I'm not mistaken, looks like the princess of Lumpy Space!"

LSP let out a dismissive sort of wave, altogether looking pretty bored.

"And also atop this Rainicorn is one of the four great heroes of Ooo, Jake the dog!"

"What's up, Thunder Kingdoooooooooooooooooom!" howled the magic canine, pumping a fist into the air.

"Well, he's enjoying himself." muttered Ice Queen.

Gwynn, Ukit and the two royals Gumball and Bubblegum arrived soon after, to the cheers and adulation of the crowd. But Finn and Fionna were still absent, and Lee was getting a tad worried.

"He said he'd be here by now." huffed Lee, floating lazily in the air. "You don't think he ran into trouble, did he?"

"C'mon, man, it's Finn." reassured Jake. "Trouble's his maiden name."

About a half-hour passed before the elevator whooshed again, all eyes in the arena turning towards it. The doors slowly opened and out stepped Fionna...

...dragging a semiconscious Finn by one arm, an exhausted look on her face.

The other participants looked on in stunned silence as the heroine pulled Finn inside, grunting in exertion. It must've been from a long way, judging by the way her face was all red and sweaty.

"We're here she wheezed, dropping Finn's arm on the ground and falling to one knee. "Just...gimme a sec to catch my...my..."

And the blonde fell over, fatigue finally taking its toll, sending her off to a deep sleep.

"Um..." said Joltastic, scratching the back of his head in confusion. "If I'm not mistaken, those were the legendary heroes of Ooo, Fionna and Finn, but they seemed to have fallen unconscious. What will this mean for the game?"

Lee floated over and pried open Finn's eye, scrutinizing it carefully. "Oh, yeah, he's out. It'd take an earthquake to get him up now." A sly grin crossed his face. "Hey, Ice Queen, would you mind-"

"Say one crack about my thighs and you'll be sucking ice until next ear." hissed the sorceress.

"Ooo, touchy."

"Hang on." said Jasso, walking over to the two. "Maybe I can try something..."

The prince knelt down by the heroes, looking them over from every which way. "Hey, Jake. Finn and Fionna don't have any heart problems, do they?"

"Nah, why-"

His question was cut short as Jasso held a hand over the two and released a massive bolt of lightning that struck them, right in the hearts.

"OH, MY GLOB!" yelled Marshall Lee and Jake in unison.

Finn and Fionna's eyes snapped open both yelping in pain as they felt the electricity surge through their bodies. Seeing they were awake, Jasso stopped, stepping back. "Hey, guys."

"The flippin' STUFF!" screamed Finn, looking about ready to wring the prince's neck. "What'd you do that for?!" The hero paused, looking about the enormous arena. "And how'd I end up here?"

"I DRAGGED you here." grumbled Fionna, straightening her bangs, which had frizzed out like crazy when Jasso shocked her. "Aaaaaaaaall the way from the treehouse, where I found you half-dead from practicing for several days with BOWLING BALLS. What were you THINKING?"

"I was in training!" he shot back. "And where's Cake? Isn't she coming?"

Fionna bit her lip. "Well...no. There's a problem she's got goin' on and she can't make it."

* * *

><p>Cake growled in irritation, patches of her fur missing from where she had chewed it off. Her hands (and feet) had been shoved into mittens, each sealed up with about a half a roll of duct tape. A plastic cone shielded her from the neck up, hiding the furious scowl she currently wore from the world. She felt an itch on her back and darted out her hand to scratch it, only to remember the mittens.<p>

"Stupid fleas..." she hissed.

* * *

><p>"Alright!" howled the announcer as Ice Queen and Jasso stood at opposite ends of the arena. "The time's come now for the captains to choose their teammates! And Jasso, as reigning champion, gets first pick!"<p>

"Ukit." he said, without even skipping a beat. The little Bearwula bounded over to the prince, crossing his arms and standing proud.

"Gumball." giggled Ice Queen, to the candy prince's horror. Nervously, he sidled up to the princess, though keeping a safe distance.

"Hmmm..." muttered Jasso, carefully choosing his next pick. "Marceline."

The smirking vampiress made her way over to the Thunder Demon, folding her arms and adopting a challenging pose.

"Bubblegum." said Ice Queen. The younger royal sighed and muttered 'Just my luck.' before taking her place next to the sorceress.

The two went back and forth, picking teammates until there was no one left. Once it was all said and done, on Jasso's side stood Ukit, Marceline, LSP, Finn, Jake and Lady Rainicorn. With Ice Queen was Gumball, Bubblegum, BMO, Gwynn, Marshall Lee and Fionna. The candy prince stood farthest away from the sorceress, twiddling his thumbs nervously.

"Alright." Jasso said, addressing everyone. "In this game, there's no limits, except you can't cross the line. Use whatever tactics, skills, powers or whatever you think'll help you win. The only requirement is that you have to hit someone with a dodgeball to knock them out, and of course, no crossing the line."

Upon the word 'out', a holographic scoreboard appeared on either side of the arena showing the participating members, and a large, yellow line appeared right down the middle, dividing the two teams.

"Last man or woman standing wins for the team, and no time limit. Everyone ready?"

The teams nodded, each making their way to their side of the arena. A loud whooshing sound like the elevator sounded, and above the arena materialized the dodgeballs, sixteen average-sized balls of rubber, which dropped and landed perfectly on the white line dividing the arena.

Following that, a large 10 appeared in the center of the arena, counting down slowly.

9...Ice Queen winked at Jasso and blew a kiss...

8...Finn and Fionna stared at each other hard, the former a fiercely determined look on his face...

7...LSP sighed disinterestedly and crossed her arms...

6...Marceline and Marshall Lee bared their fangs at each other, readying their musical weapons.

5...BMO did a few quick jabs in the air, doing a few light boxer's hops left and right as he locked eyes with Ukit...

4...Bubblegum gulped nervously while Gwynn placed a comforting hand on her shoulder...

3...Jake and Lady Rainicorn held hands, looking amped and ready for anything...

2...The entire audience sat stock still, waiting with baited breath for who would cast the first ball...

1...Jasso knelt down into a runner's starting stance, lightning crackling lightly around his hands...

_**0.**_


End file.
